It’s four o’clock in the morning and for the love of me, I do not have the words to pen down. My fingers are numb and I don’t like this pencil.

I pick a pen but then it’s blue and I feel like writing in black, casting away demons that are not there, but seem to hover above this notebook.

My phone lights up “Hi, I know you’re awake.”

I switch it off and walk to the window. The shutter is dusty and I struggle to open it without drawing the curtain. It’s four o’clock, who’s awake and up and about at such a time?

‘Macho biggy’ is strolling on our compound, pissing at every plant, you’d think this was the feline’s kingdom! I walk to the sitting room and sit on the floor. I should never have stated the truth yesterday…he was mad that I was supporting a team he felt and knew was inferior. “You don’t know a thing about football,” he said. I told him “This is the year of the underdog. All the big names and big teams you know about will surprise you…it’s the teams that the world never thinks about that will sail to the finals.”

He said “yeah right and I am the recipient of the NYS funds.”

I smiled and attempted to laugh at this, but then his friend simply said, “she may not know a thing about football, but she knows a lot about people, and football is about people- more so, it’s about watching people play.”

He turned to his friend and I saw the guy shrink. I smiled at this and the little box in my mind remained unchecked, a defeat, a victory…I have no clue, and it felt like the world was suddenly revealed to me.

“It’s never the big things, it’s always the little things…the little things.” I looked at the wall clock and then walked back to the bedroom, thirty minutes of aimless wandering did me some good, but even then…I still had no words. So, I found myself dreaming of days long gone and the one thing that I swore I’d never do when it came to writing at four in the morning “compromise.”

I wrote about him.

I wrote about his impending defeat.

I wrote about everything that I wanted to say that he’d never listen to, and then, I burned it! I wrote because it’s the one thing that I am certain of…well, aside from having this life to live.


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