Showers of Doubt

My love is like a faucet, the show of affection depends on how much you turn it.

You said this amidst puffs, and I never took my nose out of the book I was reading.

We have these easy evenings where your mind is numbed by your heart and my heart is frozen by your actions.

“Let’s go get supper, I’ll make you something delicious,” you say.

I lift my head from the page, shake my head ‘no’ and continue reading.

It’s easy to say no to you because when you truly want something you never stay still.

You are still standing by the window, your left hand outstretched, a finger tapping off the ashes off your cigarette butt.

“Can I make you a cup of coffee? It’s instant though,” you ask.

“Yes, thank you,” I reply and for a moment you hold my gaze. It’s what you desired, this moment, my attention so you can appeal to my soul again.

It’s all you ever do, Love.

You appeal and appeal and your requests are mundane…your requests desire normalcy, yet my soul yearns for the unexpected…and I sit and hold your gaze until you take one more puff, throw that cigarette butt away and take two strides towards me.

Your hands reach out to me and in an instant, your forehead is against mine…I wait.

You inhale…slow and steady and I know what’s coming, I have been here…

However, much I say I’ve healed…however much you say that you belong to me, I know that at some point, at three in the morning, another will answer your call. At dusk another will be in your arms, in the club, at a party, on vacation…you inhale and exhale these feminine creatures and I for one, cannot bear to be a statistic.

You chuckle, low…but it warms my heart and you say “sometimes I wish you only had one doubt, because then I could easily dispel it, however when you reign in showers of doubt my Love, I am at a loss and I am with you but you are not and you know what, it kills me that I seek you out to push you away, how messed up is that? Do you know what I wish for you?”

“No, what is it?”

“I wish that none of your doubts were true. I wish your heart blossomed like mine, and that every second you spent with me filled you with joy, as much as any away from me. I wish you loved me…I wish I kept you, like you did me…I wish…”

“Hey…”

“Let me get you that coffee…”

shallow focus photography of hot coffee in mug with saucer
unsplash.com

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