“What should I get you this Christmas?” you ask, and in between puffs, I compose myself. I collect my thoughts and sort them out as one would rice.
Lately, I seem to stumble upon my words, as I gaze into your eyes.
It must be the haircut.
Or is it that you seem vibrant, radiating an aura of sheer joy…or content, I don’t know. I never know how long your bliss lasts. I’ve never cared much about prolonging them.
“Get me whatever you decide upon, I’m not so big on Christmas,” and I lie back, my eyes roaming the ceiling as you puff your thoughts away…how is it that you take a long drag when you are afraid of speaking your mind? I keep my eyes on you and you smile.
“You have a certain power over me and you act like you don’t know you do, and that smile right there, that one…where your right cheek bulges and your eyes twinkle, it’s the best look you can ever wear.”
“What’s on your mind?”
“I don’t know, maybe I do, but sometimes like right before you looked my way I was thinking, why is it that hearts can break in more than one way yet they have to heal in the same way?”
“You know what I am talking about Love, you may smile now, laugh now, or better yet, talk to me now, yet there are times when a slice of pain brushes your heart and I get a glimpse of it in your eyes, that stuff scares me. To know that I did that…is it worth it love, being here and now, back in my arms, is it worth it? Can I get you flowers for Christmas?”
I look into your eyes and instead of the black pool I always get engulfed in, I find myself thinking of yellow flowers and my head throbs…this is how I’ve learned to stay, apologies, moments where you’re remorseful and unlike you, I devour pain.
I let the hurt simmer and serve it chilled in words.
How is that we take one step forward and galaxies back, Stardust, did you know that a cage is still a cage, it matters not whether it’s in gentle hands or not.
I look at you and to stop the throbbing in my head say, “I want you to hold my hand this Christmas…” you smile and before I know it, I am in your arms, right where I should have been before you started all this talk of Christmas.