I know one person who calls me “Dee.”
I also know what happens when in the spaces between our silence, he travels miles ahead of his pain to catch up with me and like always, I run when he gets too close.
He says we race, I take off when he passes the baton.
I don’t know anymore.
So we look to each other for answers to questions we’d never ask, that’s what I thought until now…
He asked, “Dee, why do we do this?”
And I, for the first time in my life, faced him and said “I am afraid of knowing.”
He smiled, shrugged his shoulder, took my cup from me, “another one?” I nodded and watched as he poured the hot water first, reached for the instant coffee, took a spoon and added some then added the sugar.
“Why do you always start with the water first?” I asked and he smiled. He went to open the window, took his cigarettes and handed me the cup and walked to the door. I moved towards the edge of the sofa, so I could see him seated right outside.
“Every time I pour the hot water, I don’t know, maybe it’s good knowing that I have options…I can add coffee, a tea bag, cocoa or milk, I don’t know…you know what you like and how you like it, so you start with coffee as though everything else can be an afterthought but never the coffee.”
I nod and I know he’s right.
“Are you writing?”
I start to nod, then shake my head “no” and the worlds I hide behind my eyes come undone, he keeps his eye on me, Stardust…he will always be stardust, the galaxy unknown yet marveled upon, the cocoa I yearn for and the words etched in my skin. He takes one long drag of his cigarette and I am treated to the dimple in his right cheek…then he throws the stub to the ground, steps on it and comes for me.
He takes my cup sips the coffee and says, “Marry me Dee, right here, right now, I promise it won’t be easy…but I won’t give up, Heaven knows your presence is my essence!”
And when he isn’t looking, when he is just holding me, I am saying “yes!” and also screaming “why now? Why now?”