To illuminate a dark night

Life has its moments. Sometimes you are as bright as Venus but you are also enveloped by darkness. There are also some times when a spark comes along and ignites you, and slowly you start to illuminate a dark night.

Have you ever had the feeling that you could suddenly do something that you felt you’d never do?

I am talking about a small tingly feeling like “you’ve always got this” going on in your head.

As I write this I am humbled and in awe of mothers; single, married, engaged, divorced, separated, step-mothers, widows, baby mamas. It is an uphill task bringing forth another being into the world and pouring all the love and attention to them.

I also confer honor to fathers; single, married, divorced, separated, widowers, uncertain, serving time.

A spark’s been lit in me and for some reason I find myself questioning every time I put myself down. It is this bright orange spark that is bound to ignite a fire that I fear I would be unable to put out. I’ve compiled a collection of memories, thoughts, and written to my future daughter,things I’d love her to know. I even wrote a letter to her Dear Aurora but where am I going with this. The feeling that I could actually settle down scares me witless! (Replace the w with sh and you get my drift!)

Is it because I have had too much time on my hands since resigning from my job? Is it because I am writing at a leisurely pace that I can suddenly think of the unorthodox? Or maybe it’s all thanks to Hannah Doyle’s book “The Year of Saying Yes.” I read it this weekend and it’s about this feature writer at a magazine who says that instead of writing new year resolutions of things she would not do, she would start saying ‘yes’ to stuff and hence a dare game begins!

Well, one major thing is that I got accepted into the 20th YALI (Young African Leaders Initiative) cohort this year and I cannot wait to gain some much needed expertise and knowledge in Civic leadership and engagement. I have always wanted to take on a life-long project but for four years I’ve been swayed by responsibilities, bills, wanderlust, yearning for experience and the need to be more confident that I never saw it build up. I am looking forward to a great start, baby steps, just…baby steps!

I was going somewhere with this and it seems as though I have gone past my destination. Does this spark scare me? Does the thought of actually being great and embracing this new feeling scare me? A whole lot! I haven’t even had coffee! Coffee is bae and I haven’t been able to take one sip. There’s this phrase “do what scares you,” and for some reason this is the moment when it would fit a situation.

So, for what it’s worth, now I know how a candle feels as it gives light…and ladies and gentlemen, you have secured front row seats to a freak show!

Have a lovely week!

 

On Work

Work is love made visible,

and if you cannot work with love but only with distaste;

It is better that you should leave  your work and sit at the gate of the temple and take alms of those who work with joy.

For if you bake bread with indifference, you bake bitter bread that feeds but half man’s hunger.

Khalil Gibrain

TMI

Word of the day:

Scripturient (adj.): Having a consuming passion to write

Listening to: Young, Wild & Free by For King & Country

 

 

Hawajui

They know not.

I hear the whispers, see the questions in their eyes, meet their concern in their lips, feel their pity in their footsteps. Have you ever been at something for an eternity with people constantly wondering when it’ll come to be?

Like that business you always talked about starting.

Or the trip to Mombasa that was meant to happen, then you got fired, lost someone, had to move to another apartment, got another job miles away from where you stay, started sending money home…the baby started walking…daycare lessons…

Let’s talk about every time you see her talking about the release of a new book and you go, “You know I have always wanted to write a book?”

Let’s talk about running into the noisemaker of your high school days, driving that Toyota Harrier, talking to you while twirling car keys as though you are blind to the fact that he drives and you still have to sit on a sambaza and negotiate with the tout on fare before boarding a matatu.

Better yet, that girl you always thought would be a Professor, and now she’s selling Insurance- constantly posting about Insurance plans and you just want to shake her and ask, “what happened to your dreams?”

Then it hits you that Potential is unreliable. If you bank on he’s got potential to be or she’s got the potential to be…you are no different than the one who is playing lotto, putting in some money and praying every day that they get a million, it could go great or extremely worse…that’s potential!

Press on…for it is easy to dismiss a blank page, but even Writers know that the greatest asset is a blank page, because it is screaming “fill me up, bring me to life, bleed on me!”

book notebook diary table work office bookmark pages sheet cover white
Thank you Stocksnap.io

When you see people who are living the life you wish you could trade with your current situation, you see pages that have been written on. You see the paragraphs and chapters they choose to flaunt. You see their version of events, but even you should know something incredible…you see your work as unfinished, so go ahead and finish it. Carve your own path. Carving involves work and sweat and determination…carve away until you have a product that you’ll be proud of.

And one more thing…saying it is not all there is, saying and working towards it is a start. This is for when it seems as though you are working hard but not seeing the results, this is just to remind you that somewhere, at some time, there’s a girl with chubby cheeks who has been staring at blank pages since she was 12, and she knows that it can be done.

PS: Hawajui is a Kiswahili phrase which translated into English becomes “They know not.”