I thought of this as I was standing by the shores of Lake Victoria. It was a hot afternoon and I was waiting for food, see- most of the restaurants beside this magnificent being-so vast, yet powerful and soothing all believe that ‘food is prepared and served on order,’ this translates to ‘you place the order and wait for half an hour or more for it.’
And just like that with one foot in the water, another in the dark sand…I asked myself:
Who do you call when you want to disappear?
It’s been three months since I shared updates on life, more so on writing, reading and a whole bunch of experiences I’ve had along the way. This post is my attempt at some sanity after changing the theme of this blog six times. Trust me, I activated six themes before finally settling on this one so my mind is seeking refuge in this post.
On reading: February came with gifts and I got this trilogy set by N.K.Jemisin from a wonderful friend and mentor whose energy and love for others has me in awe. The set adds onto a number of books that I hope to read this year.
On writing: I need help! Truth is I feel at odds and unable to write and for a while I settled into it, but now there are two opposing forces in me- more like intentions- a part of me misses writing, yearns to write and demands that I do and the other part, does not want to do disturbed. I find myself unable to stop buying notebooks and pens-but gathering my wits to write has been unbearable. It does not help that I set one of my goals as writing and publishing a book in April.
On life: The first week of this month was busy because most of the people who support the projects I work on were in Kenya, some visiting for the first time and it was great showing them around while also visiting places I wanted to. We visited The Giraffe Centre in Nairobi, enjoyed many meals and evening talks by the shores of Lake Victoria while in Rusinga Island.
I always wanted to have some chicken biryani and tamarind juice and got to do this while at Mama Nilishe, in Kilimani-though now she opened up a bigger place at Kikao Place in Lavington. And while in Nairobi, we stayed at Eka Hotel along Mombasa Road where aside from exemplary reception and service I couldn’t help but be taken in by the glass bottles in our rooms.
On music: I am obsessed with Akoth Jumadi and Lisa Oduor Noah. Their songs calm my luo soul and makes me feel some type of way that’s got me loving the mood I’m in when I hear their voices.
That’s it for now on the life updates and maybe by the end of this month I shall have set my mind on what to do about the writing slump I find myself in, until then, have an awesome weekend.
Thoughts assail me in the quiet,
When the world is asleep is how I welcomed them,
But lately, they surround me in the day,
On my way to work, while at work, seated in a matatu, eating a mango, drinking coffee.
Life is mist, when the wind blows it ceases,
So are my thoughts, but they persist, the living do not.
So, I am at that age when the giants whose shoulders I stood on take a bow,
C says it’s the age where we bury our parents, friends, and dreams,
But I refuse to acknowledge it as a loss,
For we all live for many days, take many breaths, create memories and to cease to celebrate that because of the one day we cease to be…is a great loss.
Now I am more in love with horizons because what I choose to focus on determines how close or far,
How vast or limited it is,
and just like that, horizons assail my thoughts.
Five days into another year and I find myself overwhelmed by all the things I’d love to experience. I would like to change the narrative of the title of this post and go more for things I would like to pursue and experience in 2023, and these are:
December is what I’d call my ‘awareness’ and ‘acceptance’ month. It started out with the promise of an awesome time, and as the days drew in, I found myself learning to accept most of the things I haven’t been able to change this year.
Like the fact that I am not consistently working out as I had intended. Or even the fact that I consumed more coffee, milk, sugar this year-when I truly started cutting down on them.
On writing: Looking back, I would say that this year I published one book- Laana: Daughter of the Middle World and though a lot of people in my circles kept pushing for another book, few of them followed through and bought copies of it, and what I got instead were new readers- who are yet to fully embrace my writing style.
I bought eight new books this week and I would like to start reading them as soon as I can.
My elder sister truly knows what I love and she got me a book I have wanted to read ever since it was released but I could never get a copy. She bought me Behold the Dreamers by Imbolo Mbue for christmas and I love how she goes out of her way to let me know she cares about me.
I have sufficient stationery and very little inspiration and motivation to write a book as I post this. There is something within me that is calling for rest, for time away from the words that plague me until I can breathe life into them and weave them into a story. So, I am reading more books, listening to Kizz Daniel’s Cough (Odo) and dancing in my head.
Skin care is getting to be something that needs my attention and I am drawn to Luron products which I have been using the larger part of the year, so I got some products that I would love to try.
As 2022 comes to a close, I find myself more calm not because all is well, but because I feel like I am at the point in my life where I can choose which battles to fight, and which ones to walk away from. My friends say it is being old, and well, I am slowly veering off the age bracket that’s deemed as youth- and into the one that needs to have a retirement plan in action and that in itself has me grateful that I made it this far.
Happy holidays and I can’t wait to share what I write when I manage to.
December is here and she comes with the promise of family meetings, home cooked meals and getting to catch up with loved ones, those who’d been toiling in the city-coming home and getting to breathe for a week or so.
For me, it’s all about work, following up on projects, and reflecting on everything I did this year.
I managed to write 12,939 words out of 50,000 words for NanoWrimo- and though I did write every day, most of it were notes, comments, things that caught my eye that were not part of the story I had started, and so, this year, I didn’t get the 50k in.
On reading: I’ve been enjoying the books that are released on Netgalley and reading more which made me feel less awful about not winning this year’s NanoWrimo. I just added some new titles, check these out:
Have a great weekend.
I heard the phrase, ‘to kill a person with a borrowed knife,’ and it reminded me of how fluid language is. Of the worlds we create with the stories we tell ourselves and choose to listen to.
An acquaintance was disappointed by her father’s actions and decision to sit back while she expected the opposite of him. So, on and on she went speaking of how weak and insecure he was and I listened, not because she demanded me to but because like most of the people I know, it’s easier to make use of your friend who has that Counseling experience and training for free. Sometimes, they are kind enough to buy me my favorite- coffee and chocolate fudge cake.
And when she did breathe, she looked at me and asked, ‘do you think I am being unreasonable?’ I was unprepared for her sudden pause and thought it through, then asked ‘is your father a god or deity that he’s beyond flaw?’
‘No, I didn’t say that. You know he’s not.’
‘But do you know and accept that he is not a god and does not reside up above on that pedestal you put him on?’
‘What are you saying?’
‘I am saying that we treat our parents as gods. Yes, they nurture and provide for us and even protect us up until we can fend for ourselves, and when we see them struggle and falter we believe they have lost it? Isn’t it funny then? Our parents also have scars, they also fail and until we stop treating them as gods, as above reproach, then we too can take a step back and forgive ourselves.’
She laughed at this after a while and said, ‘You assume that I treat my father like he is above failure. I do not.’
And like every conversation that somehow hits a wall, I found myself looking around the cafe and sipping my coffee as she changed the story to something else.
These days, and especially during and post COVID-19 I find myself forgiving the elders in my family for the times they fell short, and I can’t help but be amused by Greek mythology, in reading about how the gods and goddesses would punish each other over trivial matters they could easily resolve. How we put people on pedestals without consulting them and judging them when they fall off the cloud we placed them.
It’s the fifteenth day of November and at the very beginning I laid out some thirty things I would love to do this month. It’s ambitious of me, given how easy it is to consider a thing done just by talking about it ( that’s why I haven’t been consistent with working out and fitness).
Here’s what I have done and loved doing every day :
Here’s what I haven’t been able to do:
I got to work on a simple logo design using Canva and learned that there is a lot to colors and fonts that I know nothing about, and in the end- I resorted to black and white.
I am still working on:
Mondays are my favorite. A lot of people hate Mondays for a host of reasons, however, for me it’s always like sunrise, like dawn, a chance to get up and get moving, to renew or start a new.
Today, I find myself at odds because I am currently taking part in Nanowrimo and still haven’t written anything beyond 12,392 words.
I should be at around 23,338 words and most preferably 24,000 words but I am still halfway and easily distracted by other things like Dave Chapelle’s monologue on SNL and K-Dramas on Netflix. So, in line with new beginnings and the possibility of a strict regimen to accomplish the goal of writing fifty-thousand words this month, I am looking forward to:
I don’t know how well I’d adhere to these timelines, because I struggle with consistency when it comes to my writing and it’s the one thing that makes NanoWrimo such a daunting task, because I write sometimes mid-work breaks, or as I read a book and come across a line or phrase that I love, sometimes in a matatu- so just sitting down and getting my mind to know that ‘hey we are writing now,’ is a struggle.
That’s all for now on my writing updates.
we look up to the stars and forget the galaxy within,
if it glitters, it’s perfect,
yet we forget that we are dust,
centuries old, woven from generations of warriors we know not of,
we celebrate the fickle and trod upon the strong,
like bees we gather around a hashtag, now like puppets we jump on trends,
we dance, laugh, do what everyone is doing in exchange for numbers…
the very same numbers we know not of, like the stories that make us,
the fears and hopes and dreams and will within us.
She said, “What’s sad is that for a second of joy, to feel a fleeting moment of bliss, I too forget the galaxy within for the star outside.”
nilichoandika 