I think I wanted what you laid out for me; trim figure, flawless skin, good grades, an 8 to 5 job, feet pounding the tarmac, making my way through every box you modeled for me.
I think I wanted it all because you made it seem like the conditions that would earn your love, your approval, your support… until it dawned on me that the life I was living was your’s never mine, your’s.
I wanted it all, because you made it feel like it was all there was to life.
Image courtesy of Pexels.
I wanted it, I worked for it. I earned it.
I fell under the weight of it.
You told me to get up; up from the pain, disappointment and what you called ‘laziness’ and every time I tried, I fell harder, sunk deeper, until I learned that I enjoyed being on my knees.
So, here I am and this is my desire: to live on my own terms.
It’s the last day of September and I often feel a certain kind of warmth when a month ends mid-week because I am guaranteed a weekend in the first week of the new month! Well, that was before COVID-19 struck and decided to shake us up!
So, on Monday our President decided that well, the curfew is still on for 60-days and stretched the time to 11pm- 4am. He also granted permission for bars to open and my absolute relief was that schools would still be shut until we are better placed to contain the virus. What sucks about this is that the funding they received from the World Bank and other donors goes into their stomachs and not towards the health facilities!
On books: I was going through my Goodreads “READ” page and discovered I have read and reviewed 165 books so far and some of the best titles I got to read were in June (34 books in total). This month, I read more paperback copies and here are some of the titles that kept me company:
I am currently reading “EndGame by Derrick Jensen” and enjoying drinking lots of tea as well…
On writing: I am taking part in the 10k-Novel Writing Challenge that would mean writing 1000 words every day for the first 10-days of October.
I have been watching Never Have I Ever as well and in a weird way, I am now #TeamPaxton because at least he’s single and his sister called him out on how awful he treated Devi, whilst Ben is cute and considers Devi equal and brilliant- he’s still got a girlfriend, an athletic one as well, so hey…that means he’s got a decision to make!
My September song is definitely: Be Praised by Aaron Moses & Naomi Raine off Maverick City’s Vol 3, part 2 album
And, the greatest thing I have done this month is keep up with my laundry! It’s been refreshing knowing that I don’t have any dirty clothes waiting for me to clean them up and fold them!
In the previous update on life and staying at home post, I said I was struggling with consistently working out and this past three days have been a good run for me, I get to do some squats, push-ups, mountain climbers and 20-second planks in the morning and evening and I feel pretty good about it.
I am looking forward to October and we’ve got 93 days left until 31st December 2020, so live as best as you can, love as hard as you can and be kind- the world needs gentleness.
You say I assemble my words like we are about to go to war.
I laugh and shrug it off, I always do.
You are back Stardust, you keep coming back and you don’t know why,
It’s killing you, your inability to let me go,
My ability to always smile whenever I see you.
You look at your knuckles and suppress a laugh, then you say,
“Your soul speaks softly to my own, when I can’t take this world anymore, I seek you, the guys say that I hunt for you, like redemption. How is it Love that just the thought of you brings me peace?”
I laugh and shrug it off, but this time, you wrap your hands around me and pull me towards you, I drop my book, my earphones slip out of my ears and you say, “Marry me Love, be my forever.”
I shake my head and close my eyes and gently sway with you, “forever is a long time.”
“It’s as long as we are willing to put in the work, Love. Stop running, catch your breath, just catch it with me.”
And I hear your soul, I hear it speak softly to my own.
Hello weekend! Is that you? I’m looking forward to staying indoors, drinking tea and reading books- yes, I just bought 12 new books making my tally come to 18 unread books and now they are staring at me like I am doing them an injustice by not picking them up.
I have been on a roll, watching series like I am paid to do so. Let’s just say that so far, I watched: Summertime, Never Have I Ever and Love, Victor! I’m a sucker for romance and drama, so far let me just state that I can’t wait for the second seasons of these shows and if I am still as interested as I am now 🙂 I’ll probably catch up!
On work: I’d say my week has been eventful. I am happy that we are wrapping up most of the projects and this means completed classrooms and happy schools and their communities.
2-classroom block constructed at Kitare Primary, Suba North.
On writing: October is fast approaching and a friend recommended that I join the 10k Novel-writing challenge and when I read the invite I nearly fell off my seat “10 days. 10,000 words. Are you ready?”
I love a challenge just as much as I am freaked out by it because I’ll be on the road pretty much from the 7th to 12th October and so getting to see this through scares me so much that I’ll attempt it! So, how about it? If you are looking to get some writing done, work on that schedule and pace that you so desire, how about joining the 10K Novel writing challenge? SIGN UP!
On studies: I’ve been taking online lessons, doing my best to participate in the New Heights Fellowship Program and so far, I am learning that I can always do my best, pursue and serve excellence in everything I do and I am also challenged to build more leaders in the communities I am working in.
On publishing and book sales: Look, I’ve been on the receiving end this past week especially regarding Zuri: The Chronicler of Enzi! Phew! If you got the book and read it, is it truly that deep and difficult to read? I need to know…
I took time to set up the publication of “IN THE QUIET” and this is because I have been exploring digital publishing in Kenya and I enlisted the help of a Tech-Expert I know and absolutely admire to help me with this and as they’ve been working on this, I have been editing and revising the book which I hope to share with you at some point this year. I just want it to be the very best version I could share with the world.
I am looking forward to being more courteous and keeping my word in all that I do. Have a lovely weekend wherever you are and I am sending you love and light and a ton of positive vibes.
182 days since we got the #stayathome verdict from the Kenyan government. How are you holding up wherever you are? What have you learned in 2020 thus far?
One thing is certain: we have 108 days to the end of this year and I for one, find myself more aware, present and grateful for every moment I experience.
I have been reading more books because I joined this awesome whatsapp book, admnistered by Prime Book Hubs and simply put- they post books for sale and you get to reserve a copy, pay for it and they ship it to you. So, I’ve been buying books and my first September haul includes a book loaned to me by my sister which I just finished reading.
I absolutely devoured Mr. Penumbra’s 24-Hour Bookstore by Robin Sloan and if you are into books that are set in bookstores with some hidden secrets or puzzles, you’ll love how technology meets print and ingenuity in this book.
I am currently reading Lucia, Lucia by Adriana Trigiani.
On writing: Let’s just say that I need to travel a bit, change the environment I’ve been in- read more, or just kickstart my brain into actively writing this next book. I’m taking a leap going into non-fiction and I am learning that it’s not that easy to string words along. Research takes time and I am forever at the phase of “would you tell me that again?” and it’s driving me insane. I need some patience juice! No sugar please, just the patience juice.
And, how do you know you’ve got your writing mojo?
For me, this involves shopping for stationery and nothing speaks to me more like pencils in the dozens! So, I decided to put everything I’ve got working for me and share a picture, just to prove that I am not losing it, or rather, that I should open up a stationery shop…
Whereas the Ministry of Health provides us with COVID-19 statistics daily, I find myself inclined to document and journal what I’ve done in a day, and this is what I call, taking stock of the things that I may have overlooked that made my day.
I decided to cut down on processed sugar and this is my third day without it.
I’ve been changing my sleep cycle; now I go to bed by 10pm and get up by 6am. I am working towards going to bed by 10pm and waking up at 5am.
Pitching articles to various editors is something I hoped to do this year and since last month, I’ve sent out 2, hoping to send some more and explore long-form article writing as well.
My Mom is a huge advocate for Education and it gives because she taught for 30 years. Her challenge to me this year was not to give up on fellowships and scholarships because every year I send out at least an application for a fellowship and 2 Masters scholarships- and I get turned down. I got so close last year and it tore me apart- and she told me, not to give up, if I could come in fifth, then maybe I’d get it.
Fitness is not easy. I can write everyday, because I worked on getting this done, but working out has been a challenge that means installing and uninstalling fitness apps- working out two consecutive days then quitting, so I’ll stick to walking. It may do me some good.
I finally gave my visual threshold a chance- and watched two series: The Witcher and Cursed...and can I just say that I am looking forward to the next seasons? Who would have thought that grunting could say so much- because Geralt of Rivia, in The Witcher grunts in response to almost everything!
Comedy! Yes, I’ve always loved Trevor Noah and this month, I discovered K-Von Comedy.
I am looking forward to reading more books, a bit of travel for work because we’re focusing on WASH (Water, Sanitation and Hygiene) projects this round-and most of the schools I’ve visited are in dire need to latrines, hand-washing stations, access to clean treated water and most of all- in need of some infrastructure development.
Do you take a bus, walk, sit and close your eyes to get there…or do you find yourself there at dawn, restless, nostalgic, but conscious of how much you’ve done to stop hurting but nothing has worked?
Tell, me…
Where do you go when you’re hurting?
For, the place you seek solace can also be your prison…so, tell me, for my soul yearns to know, to listen to another soul that’s been where I am…
And in all you do, would you please do me a favor?
Wherever it is that you run to, I hope you never let it dim that light in you, because we need it.
Hello September, it feels like I was enjoying the first week of March and then I blinked and you were at my doorstep!
Well, how are you holding up wherever you are? I’d say that this first day of September holds promise, but if there is anything I’ve learned during this COVID-19 pandemic is that you can plan all you want- but the universe still reigns, the only control you have is on your thoughts and how you choose to react to whatever happens. So, I am choosing positivity and let me tell you, it’s working out…slowly.
If there’s a movie I’d love to watch this month, it’s gotta be Love, Guaranteed- and it premieres on Netflix on 3rd September.
On writing: I haven’t written anything for most of the past two weeks and my sleep cycle is suffering more because I am worried about work projects and feeling like I have to do much more to impact the lives of children in terms of accessing quality education. I feel like I need to revise “In The Quiet” and explore the option of printing copies but even that is scaring me out of my wits.
I’ve received some good reviews of Zuri: The Chronicler of Enzi and I keep asking myself , what next? When and how? So, once I work myself to the right headspace, I’ll start the next writing project.
I carry the fear that we’d be staying at home longer due to this virus and also the fear that I may miss out on getting the facts right for my upcoming project.
I’m hopeful that I’ll get lots of writing done and ready for publication in the next two months.
I’m also super hopeful that I’ll stick to my workout regime this week, okay, let’s just try this week and see how it goes!
Until then, I’ll be reading one of my favorite Poets – Billy Chapata‘s upcoming release “Flowers on the Moon”
It’s exactly 159 days, 21 hours and some odd minutes since the Kenyan government called for the need for us to stay away from public gatherings and essentially #stayathome.
Written a shortie short story/ novella: In the Quiet
Traveled back to my area of work to see to the construction of 4 classrooms , 2-per community school
Gained weight
Started, quit, started, forgot about, started working out.
Consumed at least 3 cups of tea a day/ some days at least 4 cups of coffee
Drank more water
Slept in (and I love sleeping in on Saturdays)
Signed up for online classes: I just quit the one for African Leadership Institution because with over 1,000 participants and the never ending telegram messages, I missed out on signing in and with 5 error messages- I was done!
Got accepted into the New Heights Leadership Program: a 3-month online intensive session that merges both Christian Faith and Leading with Integrity in the modern world.
On reading: I just finished reading Honest to Greatness by Peter Kozodoy and he explores how transparency is key to sustaining organizations, companies and our interactions not just with people but also with what we create.
“To get the most out of your people, you must tell them why they matter.”
Status Check: A friend asked me yesterday, on a scale of zero to one hundred, how pissed off are you with the corruption in the Kenyan government? I shot him a look and he simply said “that pissed off?” See, people have been displaced, lost their jobs, their loved ones, our health care workers are at the frontline yet they’re unpaid, without PPE kits and it doesn’t help that the body set in place to regulate all this is busy trading with kits that could save lives. Wouldn’t you lose it if someone was stealing billions meant to ensure your access to health care which you are over taxed for?
On this new WordPress Editor: Yes, I’m learning that free is expensive, because I don’t like it one bit and switching to the Classic Editor means installing it and yes…I’ve got to be on a paid plan to do that. Or maybe I’m just sleepy- who knows, I will look into it when I can, if I hate it…it’s always good to explore options I guess.
I’m looking forward to September! Who knew we’d be this close to ending 2020 when we started out in January?
Have an awesome week. Stay safe. Stay hydrated. Above all choose kindness, we need it.
nilichoandika 