I do not ask for much,
Not when I haven’t enough to give, for this little heart of mine,
Needs some time to heal and shine.
I ask for light, love, time, joy…
I ask for all the things that require patience to blossom.
Category: writing
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DeMorris Bryd took this photo. (@brydman85) on http://www.pexels.com -
There are things no one tells you, like why your Fiancée dumps you and calls off the wedding in a café. More so why he’s invited his friend along to take a video of your humiliation and share it online.
You find out real soon that hell is empty for all the demons roam the earth.
When you become the laughing stock of a whole nation and pretty soon your face is not the kind to be seen in public because when your sin goes public everyone acts like they have none.
That video sparked the conversation of pushy and overbearing women and it was more of how much I pushed the man I loved into a life he never asked for. So for days I stayed home, crying and doing everything to see things through until the Caterer we’d hired called me on a Sunday evening. I remember because my neighbor was blasting his Rhumba music and he listened to the same playlist on Sunday evenings- so much so that everyone in the flat knew when he was in and when he wasn’t by the sound of music coming from his house.
“We need to talk and trust me this is for your own good.” She looked at me and asked me “what are you going to do with this pain and humiliation?”
“I don’t know, I can’t believe he did this to me.”
“Stop asking why or focusing on him- you give the devil the power every time you attribute an occurrence to him. How are you going to use your pain? The longer you hide the more his narrative is spun, so how about you start writing your own?”
….an excerpt from In the Quiet current WIP
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Friday’s here and I for one would love to sit down by the lake shore and take in the breeze. However that’s not going to happen today, it may tomorrow, but today, I have some work to do and more cups of coffee to consume.
In Kenya, it’s been 100 days plus more since the first COVID-19 case was reported and what’s followed has been the never ending updates from the Ministry of Health that often starts with ‘fellow Kenyans’ and involves the three aspects of their reporting: numbers tested, positive cases, deaths and sometimes…if we are lucky enough we hear the number of those who have recovered.
I resumed my duties at work- and actively started on field duties this first week of June and it’s beautiful to see what’s coming to be. In one of the schools, the foundation of 2 new classrooms has been laid and I cannot wait to see how it’ll turn out in the next month.
On writing: I published Zuri: The Chronicler of Enzi on both Kindle and printed out paperback copies for sale here in Kenya. So far, it’s been a thrill getting feedback on this book.
I am currently working on the next title: In The Quiet and it should be out next month, fingers crossed!
On physical distancing: Let’s say I was the Queen of Space long before Corona took over, and now I enjoy sitting in my house and listening to music- and there’s something beautiful about Deejay Mixes that mean I can listen for hours on end.
Books I am looking forward to reading this weekend and next week:
I am looking forward to the weekend and if there is one thing I have come to learn during this re-evaluation time is that indeed the little things count. Who knew something as simple as washing hands or keeping clean would be one of the measures we’d have to adhere to in order to keep a disease at bay?
Now more than ever, I am also learning to take good care of my mental health because this mind of mine could ideally lead me into some deep trenches that I would barely come out of. When it’s necessary, I spend hours out taking a stroll along the lake or even listening to music and steering clear of social media.
What scares me and also challenges me is the Ministry of Education’s call that when schools resume in September and the recommendation that each class hold 15-20 students- we’ll have another crisis. As it is infrastructure in public schools is lacking- and a class holds up to 75-100 students. Like most Kenyans, I find myself questioning how prepared my government is when it comes to handling a resurgence of this virus when schools resume.
I look forward to reading this weekend and sleeping in- or maybe taking a stroll along the lake later on in the evening.
Stay safe wherever you are and above all…I hope you stay sane.
Have a great weekend.
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Do you remember the first time we met?
I look at your shoes, new Converse, they’re black, just the way I like them.
You sigh and deposit that cigarette in your mouth.
I look at you and you rise,
‘Sorry, you don’t want to catch Cancer, certainly not by second-hand smoke.’
I look at my fingers. It’s something I find myself doing of late.
I look at them and imagine myself holding a pen, how firm that is.
I imagine myself slowly tearing a chapati, my favorite thing to eat and smile.
Love, I’m talking to you, are you listening?
I nod and you smile, ‘you are thinking, you have traveled to one of your worlds and left me to my cigarette, but that’s alright, now that you’re here I just remembered you asking me what my story was.’
Yes, everyone we meet has a story and I wanted to know your story.
I lied to you.
I know.
Wait, if you know I lied, why didn’t you call me out on it?
I asked you what your story was and you told me what you wished it wasn’t and with time everything you did proved that you were running away from the truth within you- it was and still is your journey to make, and didn’t you lose me along the way too?
Yeah, what if I told you that losing you was the best thing that ever happened to me?
I shrug and attempt a smile,but my tears travel faster than my lips, so they grace my cheeks before my lips show up. How come? I ask.
You take one long drag and put out your cigarette before looking back at me, and in that gentle voice you say, ‘Well, the version of me that wanted you at that time was not worthy of you, he wasn’t even worthy of me, and losing you…Love, losing you hurt like my guys thought I was foolish, they gave me hell, but deep down I was glad you walked away because if you’d have stayed hoping that I was gong to get better, I would have broken you and that would have killed me.’
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Word has it that…
Did you hear what’s been going around?
No, should I?
Well, you wouldn’t believe it if I told you, but word has it that you…
Would you do me a favor?
Please tell your sources to speak louder, I’m too far gone in my quest for a better life to hear their hushed whispers.
Really? You don’t want to know?
No, if it’s about me and it’s worth knowing, then whoever is talking is doing it all wrong.
Tell them to put me on blast…have I made it into International Broadcasting Media Houses?
No, but…listen, you…
No, you listen…it’s gotta be louder and clearer, said with utmost conviction for it to reach me, okay?
Photo courtesy of Wherbson Rodrigues: http://www.pexels.com -
Have you ever been ghosted?
You meet someone and it’s all good, the phone calls, texts and meetings and then out of the blue the trail grows cold. A friend calls it “Kujitoa kwa mix,” and don’t get me started on those blue ticks on whatsapp and how after a while you call and they don’t answer then it hits you that they left you long before they stopped communicating with you.
So, I’ve been ghosted and I have ghosted people as well- and even gone ahead and ignored the various strangers who send you messages on Facebook Messenger with ‘hi’ or ‘hey’ or ‘hi babe.’ It hurts even more that now you cannot delete your messenger account/ if you uninstall the app- someone can still send you a message and wait for years before you respond! So, when I saw this book on Netgalley- I had to read it, for there is nothing as awesome as bonding over shared experiences!
About the book:
When Mackenzie, Sunna, and Maude move into a converted rental house, they are strangers with only one thing in common—important people in their lives have “ghosted” them. Mackenzie’s sister, Sunna’s best friend, and Maude’s fiancé—all gone with no explanation.
So when a mangled, near-indecipherable letter arrives in their shared mailbox—hinting at long-awaited answers—each tenant assumes it’s for her. The mismatched trio decides to stake out the coffee shop named in the letter—the only clue they have—and in the process, a bizarre kinship forms. But the more they learn about each other, the more questions (and suspicions) they begin to have. All the while, creepy sounds and strange happenings around the property suggest that the ghosts from their pasts might not be all that’s haunting them…Will any of the housemates find the closure they are looking for? Or are some doors meant to remain closed?
My take: This book is funny, quirky, nostalgic and oh so true because if you’ve ever been ghosted/ had someone grow cold and distance without warning- then you would probably enjoy this read.
Maude brings to life the feeling of being ghosted most when she feels:
She knew she wasn’t the first person to be left like that; leaving was what people did best and most often. But the abruptness of this leaving, the unexplained nature of it, was torture and it came as close to killing her as anything ever had.
The personality of these three women clash; Maude doesn’t want to be disturbed and she is lonely, bitter, brash and pushes boundaries. Sunna has mastered the art of not caring, though she is brilliant, witty and upfront- she also is insecure- needing friends but not necessarily working towards making them. Mackenzie is as cute as a button- cares about how other people feel, and is a closed shell.
When Maude sets up a meeting with Richard to get closure and invites the girls to sit in the conversation, Sunna sets the record straight and I loved what she said so much that I noted it in my journal:
That is how explanations work. They explain. They do not assuage your guilty conscience.
I nearly jumped into the book and hugged her. I laughed at their meetings at the PaperCup cafe. It made my Friday evening.
You can get a copy on Amazon: Kindle $4.99 / Paperback $10.99
This definitely gets 4 stars:
About the author:
Suzy Krause is the author of Valencia and Valentine. She spends her days with her kids and writes when they sleep. She still occasionally finds time to blog just for fun at http://www.suzykrause.com. She lives in Regina, Saskatchewan.
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I once heard the moon say that only the sun knew her secrets,
Get your face mask on.
I’ll slip a bottle of hand sanitizer in my purse,
Meet me outside, under the mango tree,
Carry your bluetooth speaker,
Let’s listen to my playlist.
I’ll set a table for two.
Stardust, I’m asking, would you like to have coffee with me?
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Never count sand in the morning,
You’ll never get past the first grain you behold,
And in so doing, the sun will go to sleep and so will the sun within you.
pexels.com Never count the lashes they give you,
Your scars will always remind you of how many times they broke you.
Never hold onto the bile in your heart,
It may spread into your soul and once that goes dark,
death looms and there is nothing as worse as the death of the soul while the body still lives.
Never let those who choose to see you kneel before them break your spirit,
Rise up even if it’s one toe at time,
Rise up Child,
For your spirit is from those of old, eons of prosperity and pain, and you only heard of what the phoenix could do, but have you ever asked yourself what the Sun’s been doing every day?
You are it, Child, so fight for it, forgive to heal and rebuild, fight…
Hope.
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I once heard the moon say,
Every time a soul is wronged, Heaven weeps,
Her words crawled the length of my spine,
I asked, “How can we tell that heaven is weeping?”
The moon smiled at me, and when I looked back at her,
She said, “Look outside Child, don’t you see heaven weeping?”
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It’s a Thursday and no, that right there is more for me than it is for you. I lost track of days and dates towards the end of last month and I’ve struggled to keep abreast of such details because a part of me knows that I’ll be resuming field duty in a week or so.
There’s been a lot that has happened since my previous post on staying at home, and on top of that list is that I stopped working out.
Yes, at some point, I got exhausted by the routine house chores that doing jumping jacks, planking or doing squats never went well with me. I was sore, so I stopped working out, and the result is that I am chubbier than usual and my Mom approves!
So, let’s get into my life’s updates:
On writing: I started working on In The Quiet and I have been closely sharing updates with my Mentor on this novella, hoping to release it in July.
On reading: I should probably stop adding more books on my galley, but it doesn’t help that Netgalley has so many new releases every hour or so- and I cannot resist a book that I am drawn to. I have so many to read by next week:
On special life events: Yesterday was my Mom’s 60th birthday and it was such a joy to see her smile, dance and enjoy such a milestone. I was even more happy that I got to share in her day. My favorite part was getting a slice of the Cake!
On keeping sane: I have been taking naps and a break from writing when I feel like it and my sleep pattern’s altered drastically. I write from 10am to around Midday and prepare lunch for the family. I take my naps sometime between 2pm and 3pm, if not I watch a Nigerian movie because Mom and I can have a laugh at this!
I finally sleep at 2am and the cycle continues. Oh yes, and Kisumu is hot so taking cold showers helps and these have risen to 3 or 4 depending on the work I do in the day!
What I’m looking forward to:
- Staying healthy- with the World Health Organization saying that we may have to continue living with the Corona Virus, I find myself both fearful and eager to get back to work. My kind of work involves constant communication and touch with communities so I have to take more safety measures to ensure I am of good health to keep working.
- Writing some more
- Finally putting the pieces of my 2020 writing goal of joining and participating in a community of writers. I’m already loving the #WritingCommunity on Twitter, and I am looking forward to joining another here in Kenya.
- Replacing my passport. I would love to travel some more and experience different cultures around the world.
- Being aware of my access points- I was watching a sermon online and the preacher said something about access points- being more like the weak links where we let anything and everything in and this wounds us and it’s key for us to take charge of what we consume holistically to lead better lives.
- Working out consistently. I hope I get this done!
Have an awesome week wherever you are and I’m sending you love and positive vibes wherever you are. May you be a light, receive light and give light in all your endeavors.
nilichoandika 