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  • 10 Reasons Why: Illusion

    December 6th, 2018

    I dread meeting Javans. Have you ever wondered how hard it is to run away from the same thing you want to run to? I refused to pick his calls, answer his texts, or even like the posts he shared on Facebook- most of which were funny cat videos (that I totally love) and when my friends tried to reach out, I shut them out. A lot can happen in a second, but trust me when I say that I made mountains move in three days. 

    Now, I am alone in my dread, engulfed by an irrational fear that things have gotten worse between us.

    I don’t even know if there’s an “us” and Javans has every right not to show up for lunch. He works in the building that’s two streets from where Louisa and I work, inviting him to lunch at a restaurant he frequents, is probably a long way from waving a white flag. I have been waiting for an hour, my thoughts going from “this is a mess” to “what if he likes you to” and finally to “what? are you six or twelve?” 

    I ordered rice and vegetable curry because Maggie always says that it’s the safest “I am waiting for someone who is stuck in traffic on Jogoo road” food. She says “you can eat rice slowly, nibble on the vegetables, pick each pea as you wait, no one will judge you for eating slowly.” I look up, my eyes trying as much as they can not to stare at the cute guy who is seated by the entrance, and when I look again, I see Javans walking towards my table. I wave him over and he looks behind him, looks around and then rushes towards the table, pulls the seat, flips it backwards and stares at me. 

    “You’ve been ignoring me Joyce, what gives?”

    “Hi Jav, how are you?”

    “Like you care Joyce, so tell me, what’s up with this meeting?”

    “I guess…”

    “You guess? And what’s it with your friends forever getting into my business? What are you people up to because I am not here for drama. If you have something to say, then say it and just be cool, the crazy one really treated Pat like she was the devil, na hiyo sio fair, Pat’s with me.”

    “Wait, what? How?Why?”

    “Look, Joyce, I kept calling you to explain things but you kept shutting me down, kwanza, what’s with you? What happened over the weekend? And what is it with your friends telling me to stop messing with you?”

    “Jav, I am sorry about what happened. I did not know that they were attending the same party as you and Pat were. Pat must be feeling awful, I’ll call her and apologize. Don’t mind them. I’m sorry, I promise I’ll sort this out.”

    “You should, they can really make someone want to squeeze the life out of them.”

    “I will, now will you flip your chair and order some food? I invited you to lunch and you had better eat, besides that mood you came here with must have exhausted all your energy.”

    “Sorry, I was just pissed off, and you know what Joyce…”

    “What is it?”

    “I’ll tell you as we leave. I’m hungry.”

    grayscale photography of man hugging woman
    William Stitt/ Unsplash.com

    I pay for lunch or rather, Javans pays for lunch talking about how weird it is for me to pay when he’s there, but after arguing over it and spilling some water on the table, he wins and I let him. I’ll buy him a drink- at least that way he’d accept it.

    “So, what was it that you wanted to say, back there?” I ask. Javans stops and pulls me towards him. He knows he’s taller and stronger than me, but I walk into his embrace anyway. I cannot run away from my friend.

    “You are the only person I know who would rather step back and let another person through when you’ve been standing at the door for thousands of years.”

    “Uh?”

    “Yes, I know. There’s a forest challenge coming up this weekend at Kereita forest, it’s this Saturday, so if you’re not doing anything, I want us to go, have a bit of fun in the forest and you can tell me about all these things that you wrote.”

    “Wait, what I wrote? What do you mean things I wrote?”

    “You can thank your friends for that! Now, hebu go to work before your boss starts checking up on you! Bye!”

    He heads the opposite way and I go through my bag, and realize it’s the wrong bag, I had the brown bag that day when I was meeting him and waiting for Maggie to join us- and wait, where’s my diary? Oh, God!

  • 10 Reasons Why: Time

    December 4th, 2018

    I had a simple task; tell Javans about this crush I’ve had on him. I could have, in fact, I should have but I cannot. I should have told my friends so, but between Javans saying he was partying all through the weekend with his girlfriend and inviting me to tag along, I could clearly see that he was taken with her. He did not deserve to be given options when he could make a choice and stick with it. I told Maggie just this.

    red rose flower
    Photo by: Carlos Quintero/ Unsplash.com

    However, I should have known that Maggie is not one to be told “not” to do anything. She went and told Javans about the crush I have on him.

    I have not answered his calls or replied his text messages.

    Now, he’s looking for me and I am doing everything to stay away from him, because the truth is I need time. Now that he knows, I prefer being his friend and would not want him to pursue me. Is there any level of cowardice as great as this?

  • 10 Reasons Why: Truth

    December 1st, 2018

    Javans was at the restaurant when I walked in. He was halfway through his drink, his tie loosened, his leg shaking- partly due to anxiety and partly due to his restlessness. The last text I’d received from him was “waiting, seated at the table by the corner.” 

    Maggie should be here. 

    I should not have asked her to come but she’s the only one who can rip away this bandage off my face without a shred of pity. Javans is also scared of her. She’s what he says “crazy with a capital C,” but the truth is Maggie is fearless to most but the few who know her, see through her fortress clearly. He stands to hug me as I get to the table. “I am sorry I kept you waiting. Traffic was insane,” I tell him.

    “It’s okay. I’ve had two of these and now I think I should get something stronger.”

    “Why? What happened?”

    “Nothing serious, so tell me what’s wrong? Your friend, the one with red hair said that she was worried about you. What happened at work?”

    “Uh?”

    “Yes, you have a friend at work, the chic with very red hair and weird eyes. She came by our place of work and said something about listening to you without being ‘judgy’ those were her words.”

    “Louisa is always a siren. You hear her before you see her, but don’t worry about it, today is a Friday and what are you up to? Do you have plans for the weekend?”

    “Um…there’s this party we are going to.”

    “Oh, so there’s a party this weekend or is it tonight?”

    “Tonight actually, I’m picking Pat at around ten-ish, wait, why don’t you come? You know, it’ll be fun all of us hanging out, or are you meeting the crazy one and her loyal servants?”

    “Yes! I am meeting them and by the look of things, it seems like they will be here soon enough, so why don’t you get ready and go meet Pat. You know the traffic is insane and you have to get to her on time.”

    “Eish! It’s not yet that late, but don’t worry about it. Are you sure you’re okay? You are doing the thing you do when you are nervous.”

    “What?”

    “You keep folding that serviette. It’s not an origami lesson Joyce, what gives?”

    “Nothing.”

    “Lie.”

    “Nothing, really.”

    “Lie.”

    “Look, don’t worry about me, I’m fine, in fact I can’t wait for the girls to get here so we can catch up on the latest, hebu go! You’ll be late.”

  • 10 Reasons Why: Blue

    November 30th, 2018

    Javans favorite color is blue. He is also a Blues fan, not that kind of blue, Chelsea. He’s a fan of Chelsea and I know this because the number of times I have been dragged to those games or had my eardrums filled with statistics outweighs the countless times Maggie has told me I am hopeless.

    My favorite color is grey. 

    When I first told Javans of this, he laughed and shrugged then leaned forward and asked “how does someone like you have grey as their favorite color?”

    “Why shouldn’t I ? You can like blue and I can like grey there is nothing wrong about that.”

    “There is nothing wrong, but it still is weird. I was expecting something like red, pink, you know something that most chics kinda dig, and you had to go and surprise me, again?”

    “Again? What else did I ever surprise you with?”

    “Remember that time we were with some of your friends and you said that you always wanted to drive a matatu here in Nairobi?”

    “Wait, that was a long time, and why did that surprise you?”

    “No one really enjoys driving in Nairobi because of how crazy those mathree drivers are, but you…you said it like it was one those things you couldn’t wait to do, like it was an achievement or something. Didn’t you see the way we all turned and looked at you?”

    I smile as I recall this, but a shadow falls upon my table and when I look up, Louisa is smiling down on me. She’s dyed her hair red. How she manages to change her hair at whim amazes me. “Hey, how are you sweetie?” she asks and leans in for a hug. I take a whiff of her vanilla perfume and nod adding that I have been better.

    It’s almost noon and we agreed to sneak out for an early chat under the pretense of getting early lunch. Louisa is in marketing and events management maybe that’s why she can dye her hair at whim. I am more in hospitality, a face that you have to greet before you walk into the building, sometimes, a face that tells you the boss is not in when he is in but does not want to entertain any visitors. I am what my bosses call the face of the company, so I have to look the part, no extreme piercings or tattoos or worse off hairstyles that serve up “I’m a gossip, give me some juice!”

    Sorry, I am having a rough day. I learned from Javans that things have been going great with Patricia and the conversation we had yesterday night about wanting to settle down served me some bile in my mouth. 

    Louisa is plunging her fork into the chips on her plate. The soda beside her is untouched, but I know she will only take one sip and slip the bottle in her handbag and walk out like she’s had a meal at The Sarova Stanley. 

    “Joyce, have you broke the news to Javans?”

    “No.”

    “What are you waiting for? The Messiah or should we ring a bell for you to know that class is in session?”

    “Ehe! You can join the bandwagon and put all the pressure on me, no one is pushing you to get married to your baby daddy?”

    “Correct! He is my baby daddy, not my husband! There are lanes Joyce, but here’s the thing, I heard from a friend of a friend. She happens to be close to the inflammable weave girl that Javans follows around and word is that they are getting serious and he was asking about making their relationship legit, so if you do not tell Javans tonight by seven o’clock. I will. What’s the worst that could happen?”

  • 10 Reasons Why: Flip the chair

    November 29th, 2018

    Nan asked me “why haven’t you ever told Javans about this crush you have on him? I mean, everyone who sees you around him for ten minutes can tell that you clearly have a thing for him.”

    “I don’t know.”

    “Oh, you know…you definitely know or should I call Maggie and make her ask you because then you might finally speak your truth? Look, I’ve got work tomorrow but for whatever reason, you two cannot become JJ unless you are straight with yourself.”

    “Thanks.”

    I waited until she’d left the restaurant before pulling out my diary from my bag. No one carries around pages of their innermost thoughts but since my friends dared me to reveal my feelings to Javans, I have been going back to every entry I made about Javans. 

    Like the first time we met on campus and he joined the group by flipping the chair backwards so he could rest his arms on the backrest. It’s the first reason why I was drawn to him and now that I look back on it, there was an essence to him, a certain warmth where he loved talking to people, getting known something that’s dimmed over the years.

    If Maggie were here, she’d tell me to stop being sentimental unless I was on screen and getting paid for it. Louisa would tell me to catch a breath because Nairobi is not here for my emotions. Nan would laugh, but she’d stay back long after they’ve gone and give me a tight hug.

  • 10 Reasons Why

    November 28th, 2018

    I have had a crush on Javans for six years. If you think this is a long time, then Maggie says it better “that’s long enough for someone to get a degree and a masters, na kama ameenda Europe hiyo miaka mbili imetosha Masters na PhD.” 

    Maggie has no speedometer. She also knows how to spin a lie so effectively you will never know it was a lie, like how she convinced us that she’s Maggie yet on graduation day she responded to Maria-Magretta Auma. I cannot call her Maria or Auma or Magretta because I value one, my ears and two, my forehead. Maggie is the reason why we’ve been banned from five clubs in Westlands because she knows how to strategically render you useless by merging her knuckles with the slight depression that distinguishes your nose from your forehead. 

    The year is coming to an end and my friends have decided that each one of us has to fulfill their resolutions, or in my case, die of shame trying.

    Maggie, Nan, Akinyi and Louisa all voted on me coming clean and telling Javans that I have had the longest crush on him.

    Nan said “Walk up to him and say ‘hey, I have had a crush on you from the first semester in campus,’ and smile.”

    “Haiya! You do not jump out of the friendzone without a signal. Wait, is he still the girl with the inflammable weave?”

    “Patricia? Yes, I think so.”

    “You think so or you know for a fact that they are dating?”

    “I don’t know, it’s not like I have ever asked him if they are steady or something like that.”

    “Nan, you see how hopeless this one is? Sweetheart, listen, walk up to Javans and tell him you’ve liked him for six years and now 2018 is almost ending and your stupid friends bet that you’d not snag him.”

    “Why should she tell him the truth?”

    “Look, shut up all of you, who has dated most guys here? Right, me! Look, guys like attention and if she spins a tale about trying to win a bet? He’ll be game! In those few days she’ll get to spend time with him and if she likes him, we win! Besides, this one here…is just a mess, she needs this lie to get her going, trust me!”

    And just like that, I had ten days to snag Javans! You’d think it was as easy as walking into a supermarket and picking something off the shelf.

  • Updates on the Writing Life

    November 27th, 2018

    I’ve written 25,000 words this month for NanoWrimo and it feels too good to keep it all to myself.

    Inasmuch as there are three days left to the end of this month and I could probably write up some few words, I am not all to keen on it because I haven’t been in the frame of mind to pen the words as I would love to.

    After an intense week of work and nursing a pregnant stray dog (I named her Daisy) I have this idea for a short story series that may be what I need to finally keep working on my manuscript. 

    On Reading: I am currently devouring “Happy Singlehood” by Elyakim Kislev

    I am also listening to a couple of albums that I can’t seem to get enough of as I write late into the night:

    • Being Human in Public by Jessie Reyez
    • Selfless by Kiana Lede
    • Jubilee Road by Tom Odell

    I’m looking into other channels of ebook publishing aside from Amazon KDP, Draft2Digital and Smashwords- that would offer me diverse options on what I share and how I share my work.

    Have a great week.

  • Smoke

    November 21st, 2018

    I think of you when the world is still,

    I know you would never ask for a bill.

    I think of you when the world is still,

    photo of gray smoke

    Like smoke I sense you,

    I am choked by you,

    I am moved to tears by you,

    I take in a different scent because of you…

    But you…oh, how you torment me, blank pages, coffee pots, endless playlists, mosquito bites, cold meals, impending tasks.

    I think of you when the world is still,

    Because you are like smoke, a sure sign of fire to some, but to me, you weave worlds unknown to man.

  • Better in Time

    November 14th, 2018

    We lay my Grandfather to rest this Saturday.

    It’s two days to that final goodbye and a part of me wishes I had questions to ask or the ability to show my grief like these people expect me to. I did not know my Grandfather, not as much as I hoped to, but the bit that he showed and constantly displayed I knew and in his final years we’d have conversations if Safaricom airtime allowed us. He would call once in a while and I would cheer him up. When I was in between projects he would wish me well and ask me to be patient, something would turn up, a short term contract, just like I like them. What amazed me was that in those moments we both had a laugh. The stories and insights he’d provide would feel like he was actually there and actively involved in my life.

    However, he constantly talked about getting to finally close his eyes and being done with this world. I mean, who wouldn’t, but if you’ve led a polygamous life and had to content with sore joints and a trachea that was closing up, then even then no one could convince you otherwise.

    However, there is one person that I long to sit down and give the benefit of the doubt. 

    I would like to ask her “how do you cope, burying not one, but five children in your life time?”

    I would like to ask her “how do you cope, having your sister as your co-wife?”

    I would like to ask her “what happened to your cheerful spirit, your welcoming personality and your resilience? Did life knock every fight out of you and when did you realize that you were better off staying down than getting back up?”

    In short, I want to ask her “what happened to you?” and sit there and listen to her talk because a part of me dies slowly and like a light that’s growing dim, I feel her slipping away right in-front of us. What surprises me is that I am not hurt or shocked or sad about it, rather, I am accepting what’s coming to pass before it’s even passed and what does that say of me?

    There are events in life that mark you.

    My sister says that life knows how to brand those whom its dealt a pack of cards.

    I was marked when I watched my father take his last breath. I was marked when my teacher slipped away into the night. I was marked when my uncle slipped away. But, the greatest of all was being marked during the day, having this short nap and dreaming of my grandmother with my uncles laughing, only to wake up and get the call from my mom that she’s gone. It’s two years since her passing but it still hurts and like my dad’s passing I immortalize her in words. Sometimes, I call out her name and smile but it never reaches my eyes before their banks break. Once when I was out and about, working, I heard a song and broke down. My colleagues did not know what to do, but none of them could bring her back- and sometimes when I sit back feeling like nothing is going my way, I see her face and it hurts because I always thought she’d live forever.

    It’s the good ones.

    It’s always the good ones that hurt.

    sunset

    So, I sit here listening to So Will I (100 Billion X) by Hillsong, drinking my first cup of coffee of the day and I cannot bring myself to ask questions. I cannot ask these questions because I am not ready for the answers and I never will.

    One thing I am certain of is that my Grandfather’s finally had his wish and he’s going to be resting peacefully away from life’s troubles, but still I wonder, the five minute conversations we had…

  • Like Tea

    November 12th, 2018

    Like tea…

    You asked, “What am I to you?”

    And I said, “You are like tea, I can have you any time.”

    clear glass cup beside cookies
    unsplash.com

    I do not need you, but I choose to have you in the morning, at ten o’clock, at noon, a few minutes past two in the afternoon, at five and at night before I go to bed.

    You are like tea. You are good black, strong, with lemon, iced or with milk. You are good with a pinch of cardamom, ginger or cinnamon.

    You go down well with cake, cookies, mandazi, bread, chapati, boiled maize, roasted maize, pancakes, eggs.

    You are like tea, is what I said.

    I should have explained it better or made you see you the way I see you, but you are never one to stick around for an explanation. Just like tea you cooled down when left to your own devices.

    For, how do I make you understand that in all, you are from the earth and take a while to understand, just like brewed tea?

    Oh, how my words fail me when my heart is in knots.

    You my love have proven to be like simmering strong black tea: rich in color, appealing in aroma, tantalizing in flavor, but a sucker punch in temperature.

     

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