There is something,
a stirring,
No, it feels more like a gathering,
Of thoughts, memories, emotions, a swelling
It calls me here,
To the city where only I have walked certain paths, lived certain days,
Made certain memories.
There is something, I just don’t want to explore what it is.
My love told me the truth,
It’s the way it came out of him, like smoke out of a chimney on a cold July morning,
And the smoke stated “you are a writer, isn’t it within you to find the right words?”
And so like any other battle, he set the pace for war,
And I have been in turmoil ever since then,
Because I do not see myself in those words, rather, I desire composition.
I desire notes, movements, moments, pauses…chills, emotions, Mozart, Bach, I desire the serenade of violins and concertos, thoughts evoked only by melody, arranged over time like symphonies…hands in the air, eyes closed…composition,
Not the anguish or effort of the Composer!
I watched you walk away,
It’s your heart that I couldn’t sway.
So, I watched you walk away,
And counted the footprints that led you away.
And when the sun revealed herself,
my love asked for a song,
what kind of song? I asked.
A love song.
Sing me a love song.
I look for you in the spaces between my memories and desires,
And sometimes, when the world is alight
I see you, shining.
Blossom.
Stardust, I heard a woman say that everything grows where it is given room,
Hate where prejudice thrives,
Love where understanding thrives,
Everything blooms where it is given room,
So I thought of here and now,
Of the words I find it easy to type, of the courage I have behind this keyboard,
Of the silent comfort of tapping away, qwerty- they say, but to me Stardust,
It is the fastest pen I’ve ever held,
My fingers and eyes concur, so wherever you are, bloom.
I wore a red dress today.
I have always wanted to wear one, so…I bought one online and wore it today.
Of all the things I have wanted to do for myself,
It got me thinking of all the things I’ve desired,
of the what if’s that killed my wishes.
I wore a red dress today and I loved it so much I spilled coffee on it while twirling.
Blame it on the music that carried me away.
I wore a red dress today.
It got me thinking of all the things I’ve desired,
and why of all of them, I have never bought myself flowers.
A friend sent me a list of questions on personal development and the very first one was “What are 5 things you have had to unlearn?”
I look forward to the hour before dawn,
When dusk, dawn and hopes align…when silence is deafening,
And the world is about to arise from slumber, yearning.
I look forward to the hour before dawn,
When I finally set the voice in my head free and she shouts into the void of my fears.
Then the world, from rays of red, orange finally bloom into yellow.
I may be here or there,
You may be but stardust,
But you and I know the look and we honor our fears as we do our dreams.
Here and there.
Halfway through the month and two things became clear to me; the first is that I have been watching way too many shows on Netflix and the second is that I bought two sets of gym clothes and I have not done even one push-up this year.
I expected a sense of ‘shame on you’ with these two realizations but what I experienced was the intensity of intention. I’ll explain. I love watching Korean dramas, documentaries and animations on Netflix so much so that I find such a sense of joy and calm when I settle down to watch an episode after a long day at work or on Saturdays. On working out, this year I had set out to be more intentional and even set up a reminder and a workout plan. I haven’t adhered to both and I find myself stretching more often with ease, walking or just sleeping instead.
On reading: I am currently reading Tess of the D’Ubervilles by Tom Hardy.
I just downloaded 3 new titles to my Kindle app via Netgalley and these have to be some very beautiful covers.
On Writing: I haven’t written anything since January 25th 2022 and it’s not okay. I do not have the strength to keep asking why or keep jotting sentences that do not align with the novel that I should have completed last year.
Have a lovely weekend.
I look forward to watching the next two episodes of the following shows on Netflix: Twenty Five, Twenty One and Forecasting Love and Weather.
nilichoandika 