You are like a confession.
I should utter you to find the release I need, but like a secret,
You choose to remain hidden.
You, are like that thought in the middle of a storm,
the silent reminder that I can let all hell break loose and I won’t die.
I wear you like a badge of honor,
Gaze upon you like a thing of wonder,
Dream of everything up yonder.
You, Stardust, are like a confession,
It’s time I utter these words and set myself free.
It’s the second last day of August and can I say that 99% of me is screaming with joy because schools open in two days and that means your girl will be out and about initiating dialogue and meetings to set up infrastructure in public primary schools.
This means a lot of travel, field work, engaging diverse views and most of all, it means that I am closer to my purpose- seeking to positively impact the quality of education children get today, one school at a time.
This month’s been an interesting one. I lost three of my friends this month and it goes to show that life is as precious as you live it.
So, I thought of wrapping up this month with some of the most memorable experiences I’ve had this month.
1. I experienced varying degrees of emotion when it comes to love, attention, and intimacy.
If you can please watch this video. It’s one the talks that spoke to me in my phases.
2. My experience one, shared above, led me to check out Esther Perel and after her insights on Red Table Talk, I have watched most of her talks on YouTube, trying to reconcile my expectations versus reality when it comes to love.
3. It is possible to go without coffee for 21 days. I repeat, it is possible to go without coffee for 21 days, but the struggle means consuming a lot of tea and in my case, I had at least 3 cups of black tea every day.
4. Everyone wants something.
5. Everyone you meet has a whole lot to offer it depends on how you approach and engage with them.
If you think you know it all, chances are you know nothing at all and sometimes when you are seated at a table, negotiating terms and working around policies that would impact livelihoods, it’s best to engage silence.
6. There is something exhilarating about taking online classes.
I took 2 courses on +Acumen on: Adaptive Leadership and Environmental Sustainability Practices.
7. People call it a ‘Bucket List’ but Emica Mao, author of, Plus One Plus None, calls it “Do-While-You-Can-List.” So, whatever it is to you, write it and pursue those things relentlessly!
8. We regret the things we don’t do more than those things that we actually do.
I learned this when a colleague approached me with the latest office gossip, and given that I was the heroine of this tale, she chose to tell me that people were saying I was having an affair with one of our associates (who is married). I listened as she spoke and when she finished I asked her ‘is that so?’ and did not say anything after that. In fact, I haven’t said a thing since then and it hurts me that this tale, founded on a lie, hurts me to date. I wish I told her off.
9. Fear is good sometimes, it keeps us going.
I struggled writing my latest book, Sifuna. I wrote it, released it and then de-listed it and edited it and just cast it aside for three months, until this August when I shared it with a couple of readers. It feels good to get positive feedback especially after struggling with a story for so long. It’s more like ‘I’ve still got it.’
10. I’ll end this list with two words ‘stolen kisses.’
I am looking forward to September and what it brings. Hoping to grow more into my own and travel some more.
I am having one those days where my mind’s unsettled by matters unclear to me. I’ve come to love such days. Where no sleep means time to write, to ask myself ‘what if?’ and churn a story out of that, some dark, others silly but all of them in need of editing.
It’s two minutes to five o’clock in the evening as I type this sentence.
I have had three cups of milk tea and two mandazis. The sun is in her glory outside so I am seated on the floor typing away, using words to make it through this feeling I have.
Have you ever been in love?
Have you ever been in love whilst asleep only to wake up shuddering at the level of mockery your mind would make you endure whilst reality jolted you back into facts?
I yearn for such vivid dreams. Maybe they’ll come my way, however, if they do come your way instead of me, be a darling and write about it, at least I’d read something thrilling.
Have you ever made something, shared it and then thought, no- this need work and then shelved it again? I have started editing Sifuna and cannot wait to have it published this year in Kenya.
I thought I was a galaxy, but the mood I am in today only serves to remind me how wrong I was to think in singular whilst I dwelled in plural, so now I am changing my outlook, I am going to sit here and listen to the sound of my heart beating- remind myself of every cheerful memory my mind can conjure up and maybe then…just then will being galaxies make sense to me.
You, my love, are like an Afro Beat…Irresistible.
So, I’ll take my time with you,
I’ll play you like a love song,
Drink you from a cauldron,
Soak you up with reckless abandon.
You, my love are an Afro Beat,
I wish you know just how much you sing to my soul.
I’ve been reading interesting books this August and since I’m always looking to be better each day, it was no surprise that I would automatically read Renee Smith’s “Harness the Power of Personal Branding and Executive Presence.”
This is the kind of book you read with a pen and notebook in hand.
Here’s a bit of the background story about the book: Harness the Power of Personal Branding and Executive Presence has one purpose–to show you how to embody your authenticity and elevate your life and career.
S. Renee Smith, a nationally recognized self-esteem, branding and communication expert, and speaker, simplifies personal branding and demystifies executive presence. With each eye-opening insight, well-illustrated example, compelling story and mind elevation exercise, you’ll be engaged and inspired as you see yourself, your life, and your dreams take flight.
My take on this:
The author takes you through the personal branding journey and each chapter builds upon the previous one, such that when you are done reading, you’ve got so many things you jotted down that you’ve done or are to do that you never even thought of.
I love that she shares tips that you can use every day and not just in tune with business and investing, but also about exuding power and confidence.
Some insights that stood out for me:
Nothing is arbitrary. When someone knocks on your door with a huge opportunity that you think you aren’t ready for, stand on the fact that no one is going to put their job at risk for you. They are connecting with you because they believe you can make them look good.
Challenges set you up for success.
What is the state of of your mind?
Be still until you are ready. This is so true when it comes to change, for once you are ready to change, you owe it to yourself to be fully prepared for that journey.
How much do you charge? Every time we interact with people we are costing them something, be it time, money, emotions, productivity, so ask yourself how much does it cost to interact with you? [I’ll write a post about this one]
You can get the book on Amazon for as low as $9.99
Visit her author page for more titles: here
There are a lot more insights on branding, presence, networking and communication on her website: https://asksrenee.com/
You are my puzzle. Sometimes, I orbit around you until I’ve had a view of you from every angle and then I leave.
You take these exits like you do your medicine, not so well.
“How come you’ve never asked me for anything?” you ask.
“What do you mean?”
“You know…like say ask me to buy you a book, treat you to dinner or buy you something like I don’t know…the things chicks ask for.”
“Are we in a relationship?” I ask. You shrug your shoulders, look outside…it’s drizzling now, my neighbor’s cat is busy calling out for her man…sometimes she makes me wake up in the night thinking someone dumped a baby right outside my window. You follow her movements with your eyes.
Cats are your kryptonite.
Women are like newspaper leaves; each page a new story.
You smile and gently rub my feet. I know where you go to when I put you on the spot.
What astounds me is how easy it is for you to run to what wounds you, memories of a time when the one you looked up to, up and left. Remember the time I yelled at you, “I am not your Mother! I am here, I haven’t left and you are doing everything to make me leave!”
It was the only time you ever asked me “please leave…” and I was too stubborn to leave, so you left and never came back until the next morning.
You found a memory of her at the bottom of a bottle, in the warmth of another woman…and simply declared “you are too close, we’ll only be friends, I can’t let you any closer.”
Do you remember this day?
Do you remember those words?
I can taste them on my tongue. Sometimes when I close my eyes, I see your wounds and gently apply some salve to them…and you always lie there, serene, with a smile on your lips…your hand gently wrapped in mine, and in my dreams you are bliss. In my dreams we orbit each other, you are my sun, I am your sun.
In my dream every word is said through our eyes…every emotion felt through touch and when I dare to open my eyes, they are nothing but exits and orbits.
You look at me and smile, then let out another easy laugh, “I love how you go into your world when I am ready to answer your questions. Marry me, the next time you come to me, come not as a friend, or worse off a listening ear, but come as Mine.”
“Fourteen days, seven hours, three minutes and twenty one seconds…” you say when I answer your call.
“Hello,” is what I whisper, afraid that my words could reveal the scars in my heart, or worse off the agony of my soul.
“I miss you,” you say.
Have you ever wondered why the moon never plays the role of the sun? She stays hidden until it’s time for her to reign in the night. Like a side chick.
And like that, I come to mind when it needs me, a therapy session…checking in with your Counselor for nuggets of wisdom, emotional cleansing.
Oh, Stardust…what happened to the spaces within our silence where we used to dwell, two strangers, in-love falling in and out of love with every moment they spend together?
So, I take another deep breath and you laugh…an easy laugh, Love.
“I know you won’t admit it. For how long will we do this? Do you know what I wish? I wish that I could truly change and be the one you need, but these beautiful women won’t stop appealing to me, and it may sound off, but Heaven knows I’ve tried and the thought of seeing you look at me like I went and usurped the Devil is something I cannot bear…I’m a mess,Love. I miss you and it’s been too long since I saw you, I saw the cup you use to drink coffee whenever you visit me and…”
“And what?” I ask.
“Love, I don’t know anything anymore…did you see that Wamlambez meme I sent you on Whatsapp? It’s funny right, like the monkey is also on board…jamming to that tune…Kenyans are the best I tell you, this country has the craziest people on earth.”
“You are digressing.”
“Love…I miss you…and all it took today was just seeing a cup to acknowledge this, a cup! Can you imagine that? And it’s nothing like the fancy mugs you have but just seeing it gave me feelings…I hate this, and I don’t know…why is it that you never say a word while I say all these stupid things? I feel sometimes like you are dangling the carrot before me, watching me prod along…I’m in too deep, Love, in too deep.”
August is my “try new things” month. I came across this idea by watching one of the TED Talks on challenging yourself to try new things every day for 30 days.
So, I made a list of some things I wanted to do on this cool LCD slate I got last week:
So far I managed to get the first one done, writing using my left hand:
I’d love to watch a TED Talk every day of the week, build up on what I know, gain some inspiration and challenge myself to test out new ideas, so my video of the day has to be: Adam Grant’s “The Surprising Habits of Original Thinkers.”
I listened to a new song, new artist to me- and it was Mabel “Don’t Call Me Up.”
I danced along too 🙂
While taking this challenge, I am learning that there are things I do and some that are easier to write or dream about but not to implement, like number 2: wake up at 5am.
I struggled with this, mainly because I work till 2am and find myself waking up at 8am, working out for 5 minutes [ 30 Days Fitness Challenge App, thank you] and having a cup of tea to go.
Writing 300 words daily of two manuscripts has been an uphill task, and I am forced to prioritize one story over the other while still jotting down ideas that could build upon the other as I move along. This is one new thing I am not giving up on. I can write more than 300 words a day, and can definitely have content for two manuscripts at the same time.
So, out of my list, I’m done with numbers 1, 3, 5, 6, 10.
Score: 5/12
In going through this list, I noticed that most of the stuff I did are things I’d love to do daily, so after a week or so, they’ll cease to be new or a challenge to me and I also noticed that I am yet to step out of my comfort zone and pick something that truly challenges me.
How’s your August? Any ideas?
Once in a while, you experience moments that call you out or bring such clarity in your life that you cannot help but sit back, reflect and change your path.
I came across Miss T. N. King’s book, “I Lost Me When I Found You” on Netgalley last week- and I wanted to read it, because for a while there have been blurred lines in my understanding and experience on love, with love and for love.
About the book: Have you ever lost yourself? In a candid and inspiring call to action, Miss T.N. King invites every woman who has felt depleted, hopeless, or “not enough” to reconnect and uncover her true, divine self—known as her Inner Goddess.Throughout this book, King exposes the “idols” we create in our minds and the lifestyles we use to distract ourselves—which leave us feeling lost and empty. She breaks down exactly how this happens and how we can transform our pain, fear, and setbacks into power, faith, and success.
King shares details of her personal journey, as well as the stories of several courageous women, and provides practical, proven tools to truly elevate us and our quality of life. Miss T.N. King shines the spotlight on relationships, career, money, body image, social media, the “superwoman” complex, women bashing on other women—and even “situationships”!
I loved the format of this book, first are the stories shared by other women “I lost myself when…” and you can actually relate to their situations. Then come the insights drawn from the Bible, the author’s experiences and famous people’s experiences and finally a call to action and those keys for reflection are amazing. This book would be great if it came with a journal. Some of the things that stood out for me were:
A common mistake I notice us women make is that we stop loving ourselves when we start loving a man.
In order to get something you’ve never had; you have to do something you’ve never done.
What happens when you settle for a situationship? You end up becoming the “New Side Chick”- a woman who has decided to stay by a man’s side after he had expressed his lack of relationship intentions with her through his words and actions.
And finally my favorite:
Be attracted to the way a man treats you, before you are attracted to anything else about him.
If you’d like to read the book for more insights, you can visit Miss King’s website http://www.misstnking.com/ and pre-order a copy of the book on Amazon currently priced at $9.99
I’m glad that my 30 day new challenge for August has been sparked by reading this book and I made a list of things I love about myself and then another of things I wish I could change about myself and why-and looking at the two is my next step of action.
Can’t wait to see what this new challenge brings me.
I thought I had it all,
Health, Time, Love and Wisdom.
I thought I had it all, I really did and for a while, my heart soared.
For, how could what was in my palm, slip through my fingers as I watched.
How could I be this weak?
How could I be at the mercy of another being…saying ‘help’ and having them hurdle around in groups whispering my losses into ears of the very same hands that could lift me up?
How could I be the one who forgot the time?
How could I be the one who cried when the world was asleep and smiled when it was awake?
How could I be this stranger staring back at me?
I thought of my life, my dreams, my work, my words…and for a moment, my mind swirling with these questions, came a precise voice…a calm voice, something like a soft breeze at the back of my head…and from it came the words,
“you are still here and if that doesn’t count for something, then I don’t know what does, Get up, Get up, Get up, Get up…”
nilichoandika 