You once asked me, “where do you go to when you hurt?”
I smiled, a reflex, so in tune with my soul that you almost wept.
Stardust, in these echoes of silence, I travel worlds unknown to me.
You once introduced me to your friend as a ‘Vintage Soul.”
Did you mean it?
I truly wish you did for what do you say when you have no words left.
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What do you shed when you have no more tears…or do you will yourself to shed many more, until your ducts are dry and withered…Stardust,
I choose to bleed on paper.
I wrote you a letter, did I ever tell you? No.
I did, I truly did and now, I find myself taking a step back, and another, and another…finding my way to the one place where I was wounded, because until I face that pain, I’ll be residing in Castles with you, smiling while resenting every bit of you.
And you…Stardust a child of the earth, you deserve better, and so do I.
This is the kind of book you read with a pen and notebook in hand.
Here’s a bit of the background story about the book: Harness the Power of Personal Branding and Executive Presence has one purpose–to show you how to embody your authenticity and elevate your life and career.
S. Renee Smith, a nationally recognized self-esteem, branding and communication expert, and speaker, simplifies personal branding and demystifies executive presence. With each eye-opening insight, well-illustrated example, compelling story and mind elevation exercise, you’ll be engaged and inspired as you see yourself, your life, and your dreams take flight.
My take on this:
The author takes you through the personal branding journey and each chapter builds upon the previous one, such that when you are done reading, you’ve got so many things you jotted down that you’ve done or are to do that you never even thought of.
I love that she shares tips that you can use every day and not just in tune with business and investing, but also about exuding power and confidence.
Some insights that stood out for me:
Nothing is arbitrary. When someone knocks on your door with a huge opportunity that you think you aren’t ready for, stand on the fact that no one is going to put their job at risk for you. They are connecting with you because they believe you can make them look good.
Challenges set you up for success.
What is the state of of your mind?
Be still until you are ready. This is so true when it comes to change, for once you are ready to change, you owe it to yourself to be fully prepared for that journey.
How much do you charge? Every time we interact with people we are costing them something, be it time, money, emotions, productivity, so ask yourself how much does it cost to interact with you? [I’ll write a post about this one]
You are my puzzle. Sometimes, I orbit around you until I’ve had a view of you from every angle and then I leave.
You take these exits like you do your medicine, not so well.
“How come you’ve never asked me for anything?” you ask.
“What do you mean?”
“You know…like say ask me to buy you a book, treat you to dinner or buy you something like I don’t know…the things chicks ask for.”
“Are we in a relationship?” I ask. You shrug your shoulders, look outside…it’s drizzling now, my neighbor’s cat is busy calling out for her man…sometimes she makes me wake up in the night thinking someone dumped a baby right outside my window. You follow her movements with your eyes.
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Cats are your kryptonite.
Women are like newspaper leaves; each page a new story.
You smile and gently rub my feet. I know where you go to when I put you on the spot.
What astounds me is how easy it is for you to run to what wounds you, memories of a time when the one you looked up to, up and left. Remember the time I yelled at you, “I am not your Mother! I am here, I haven’t left and you are doing everything to make me leave!”
It was the only time you ever asked me “please leave…” and I was too stubborn to leave, so you left and never came back until the next morning.
You found a memory of her at the bottom of a bottle, in the warmth of another woman…and simply declared “you are too close, we’ll only be friends, I can’t let you any closer.”
Do you remember this day?
Do you remember those words?
I can taste them on my tongue. Sometimes when I close my eyes, I see your wounds and gently apply some salve to them…and you always lie there, serene, with a smile on your lips…your hand gently wrapped in mine, and in my dreams you are bliss. In my dreams we orbit each other, you are my sun, I am your sun.
In my dream every word is said through our eyes…every emotion felt through touch and when I dare to open my eyes, they are nothing but exits and orbits.
You look at me and smile, then let out another easy laugh, “I love how you go into your world when I am ready to answer your questions. Marry me, the next time you come to me, come not as a friend, or worse off a listening ear, but come as Mine.”
“Fourteen days, seven hours, three minutes and twenty one seconds…” you say when I answer your call.
“Hello,” is what I whisper, afraid that my words could reveal the scars in my heart, or worse off the agony of my soul.
“I miss you,” you say.
Have you ever wondered why the moon never plays the role of the sun? She stays hidden until it’s time for her to reign in the night. Like a side chick.
And like that, I come to mind when it needs me, a therapy session…checking in with your Counselor for nuggets of wisdom, emotional cleansing.
Oh, Stardust…what happened to the spaces within our silence where we used to dwell, two strangers, in-love falling in and out of love with every moment they spend together?
So, I take another deep breath and you laugh…an easy laugh, Love.
“I know you won’t admit it. For how long will we do this? Do you know what I wish? I wish that I could truly change and be the one you need, but these beautiful women won’t stop appealing to me, and it may sound off, but Heaven knows I’ve tried and the thought of seeing you look at me like I went and usurped the Devil is something I cannot bear…I’m a mess,Love. I miss you and it’s been too long since I saw you, I saw the cup you use to drink coffee whenever you visit me and…”
“And what?” I ask.
“Love, I don’t know anything anymore…did you see that Wamlambez meme I sent you on Whatsapp? It’s funny right, like the monkey is also on board…jamming to that tune…Kenyans are the best I tell you, this country has the craziest people on earth.”
“You are digressing.”
“Love…I miss you…and all it took today was just seeing a cup to acknowledge this, a cup! Can you imagine that? And it’s nothing like the fancy mugs you have but just seeing it gave me feelings…I hate this, and I don’t know…why is it that you never say a word while I say all these stupid things? I feel sometimes like you are dangling the carrot before me, watching me prod along…I’m in too deep, Love, in too deep.”
August is my “try new things” month. I came across this idea by watching one of the TED Talks on challenging yourself to try new things every day for 30 days.
So, I made a list of some things I wanted to do on this cool LCD slate I got last week:
So far I managed to get the first one done, writing using my left hand:
I’d love to watch a TED Talk every day of the week, build up on what I know, gain some inspiration and challenge myself to test out new ideas, so my video of the day has to be: Adam Grant’s “The Surprising Habits of Original Thinkers.”
I listened to a new song, new artist to me- and it was Mabel “Don’t Call Me Up.”
I danced along too đ
While taking this challenge, I am learning that there are things I do and some that are easier to write or dream about but not to implement, like number 2: wake up at 5am.
I struggled with this, mainly because I work till 2am and find myself waking up at 8am, working out for 5 minutes [ 30 Days Fitness Challenge App, thank you] and having a cup of tea to go.
Writing 300 words daily of two manuscripts has been an uphill task, and I am forced to prioritize one story over the other while still jotting down ideas that could build upon the other as I move along. This is one new thing I am not giving up on. I can write more than 300 words a day, and can definitely have content for two manuscripts at the same time.
So, out of my list, I’m done with numbers 1, 3, 5, 6, 10.
Score: 5/12Â
In going through this list, I noticed that most of the stuff I did are things I’d love to do daily, so after a week or so, they’ll cease to be new or a challenge to me and I also noticed that I am yet to step out of my comfort zone and pick something that truly challenges me.
Once in a while, you experience moments that call you out or bring such clarity in your life that you cannot help but sit back, reflect and change your path.
I came across Miss T. N. King’s book, “I Lost Me When I Found You” on Netgalley last week- and I wanted to read it, because for a while there have been blurred lines in my understanding and experience on love, with love and for love.
About the book:Have you ever lost yourself? In a candid and inspiring call to action, Miss T.N. King invites every woman who has felt depleted, hopeless, or ânot enoughâ to reconnect and uncover her true, divine selfâknown as her Inner Goddess.Throughout this book, King exposes the âidolsâ we create in our minds and the lifestyles we use to distract ourselvesâwhich leave us feeling lost and empty. She breaks down exactly how this happens and how we can transform our pain, fear, and setbacks into power, faith, and success.
King shares details of her personal journey, as well as the stories of several courageous women, and provides practical, proven tools to truly elevate us and our quality of life. Miss T.N. King shines the spotlight on relationships, career, money, body image, social media, the âsuperwomanâ complex, women bashing on other womenâand even âsituationshipsâ!
I loved the format of this book, first are the stories shared by other women “I lost myself when…” and you can actually relate to their situations. Then come the insights drawn from the Bible, the author’s experiences and famous people’s experiences and finally a call to action and those keys for reflection are amazing. This book would be great if it came with a journal. Some of the things that stood out for me were:
1.
A common mistake I notice us women make is that we stop loving ourselves when we start loving a man.
2.
In order to get something you’ve never had; you have to do something you’ve never done.
3.
What happens when you settle for a situationship? You end up becoming the “New Side Chick”- a woman who has decided to stay by a man’s side after he had expressed his lack of relationship intentions with her through his words and actions.
And finally my favorite:
Be attracted to the way a man treats you, before you are attracted to anything else about him.
I’m glad that my 30 day new challenge for August has been sparked by reading this book and I made a list of things I love about myself and then another of things I wish I could change about myself and why-and looking at the two is my next step of action.
Can’t wait to see what this new challenge brings me.
I thought I had it all, I really did and for a while, my heart soared.
For, how could what was in my palm, slip through my fingers as I watched.
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How could I be this weak?
How could I be at the mercy of another being…saying ‘help’ and having them hurdle around in groups whispering my losses into ears of the very same hands that could lift me up?
How could I be the one who forgot the time?
How could I be the one who cried when the world was asleep and smiled when it was awake?
How could I be this stranger staring back at me?
I thought of my life, my dreams, my work, my words…and for a moment, my mind swirling with these questions, came a precise voice…a calm voice, something like a soft breeze at the back of my head…and from it came the words,
“you are still here and if that doesn’t count for something, then I don’t know what does, Get up, Get up, Get up, Get up…”
I have been writing this post in my head for the past eight days. Procrastination is the fuel that I can never shake off, just like my love for pencils and erasers, I know how to put something on hold until I cannot anymore.
This is evident in my writing and publishing journey and for a long time the pressure to just get up and do it, haunted me, until I woke up one day and shoved it down my throat with a slice of chocolate cake at Java.
August is here and I love the sun! I am loving the heat more than I thought I would đ
On reading: I have been reading some awesome titles and sharing my views on them on Netgalley, Goodreads and Amazon. On working with people and building relationships, I got to read People First by Mike Nutley. On always staying on top of your game, taking a step back, re-evaluating your goals and pressing on, I got to read Tired of being Tired by Juliet Jones.
I’m currently enjoying Scout by Sanjiv Lingard about this 17 year old girl, Scout, who has the ability of tracking. It started with her being able to find any misplaced item, to her Mother-when she would up and leave, and now the police want her to help them find a missing child.
On writing: My most recent posts have been inspired by love and I am glad that happened, however, I am looking forward to improving my focus on writing a full length novel by September whilst talking to a Publisher here in Kenya, to work on some terms of engagement that would lead to publishing the manuscript.
On travel: I was looking forward to traveling this first week of August but had to cancel my plans due to a pending meeting at work. However, I’m not bummed by it because this meeting means a lot more to me, for it will chart the course for the next projects I’d like to work towards.
I did however get on a matatu to Kisumu so fast when I heard that my nephew was around looking forward to spending his holiday in the city. We always have a good time together and I hadn’t seen him in a month!
On love: I wish I had the right words to explain this and more so, to name the precise moment that I had an epiphany on love. The truth is, the greatest thing I’ve learned this year is that love comes from within and the most difficult journey is loving yourself first and always. If you achieve this, then for some reason, the world is drawn to this light that stems from you and that’s where it gets tricky…and I really wish someone would explain to me why it is that when you meet someone, suddenly everyone wants you too?
So, this August I am challenging myself and I came across this Ted Talk at the right time because I’d love to try something new every day for the next 30 days!
Her skin as dark as the night, her lips a beacon, and her eyes…her eyes spoke of eons of lifetimes.
So in my attempt to strike a conversation, I started with “Hi,”
She smiled and moved to the left, and seeing this space, I sat…
I could have lived in that moment, and created a world unlike this one.
I saw a lady at the bus stop,
Her skin, the canvas of nature, her scent, a testament of adornment.
I saw a lady at the bus stop and I was afraid of what her soul would reveal,
So, I fiddled with the hem of my skirt, pretended to scroll through my Facebook timeline until the bus came…and when I stood to leave, she asked me, “do you ever feel like you have been waiting all your life?”
I feel too much. You say that one has to look at me to know what I feel, my emotions adorn my skin, my breath is a composition of emotions and my eyes…you fear that gaze, the one that you claim bores into your soul and draws it into the light.
How you come up with these words, I know not. Whereas I devour books, you would rather skin a feline creature than consume the words in one.
So, you stand back and watch me down my fourth cup of coffee and shake your head, “I swear you are an addict, coz who drinks that much coffee and falls asleep? Remember the time you had two shots of expresso and still had another house coffee? And chocolate cake all in one sitting?”
“I love coffee.”
“It’s bad for your teeth, skin and all that acidity…try some drinking chocolate, or soya.”
“No, thanks.”
You smile and continue chatting on your phone. I drown in my words, in my worlds thinking about you- for I have never met anyone who knows how to disentangle themselves from their current situation without a second thought. You come to me when you want to.
You flee from me like the rising and setting of the sun.
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Stardust, I wrote you a letter.
I couldn’t sleep after seeing you two nights ago, and there was this shiver that filled my soul when I thought about you, and so I put everything I felt at that moment in words. You are right, do you know that? I feel too much, and the thing about being in public or busy circles is that I pick up on how people feel and it’s too much for me, am I going crazy Stardust?
Like right now, I know you are almost giving in, suggesting that you hang out with them…and you will invite her or her group of friends. These beautiful creatures swirl about you. They are readily available and whenever I think of it, my head snaps…my heart wretches and my soul weeps. How happy and comfortable you are in who showers you with attention, if you can hit it and quit it, then the heavens are in your favor.
How did I get here Stardust?
You are like a cause that I volunteered for and now that I have been here, I do not know whether I believe anymore. Like religion, you shatter my beliefs when trauma strikes. Like life you unravel with each event.
How did I get here Stardust?
Why am I still here Stardust? So, I see you shake your head and you grin, and before you hit that reply button, I know that she’s convinced you. Or rather, you have made it easy for her to convince you, Stardust.
So, I guess I’ll keep that letter Stardust…one day, when my heart is completely broken, I’ll read it at dusk, light it up at dawn and walk into the day knowing that I truly loved and in so doing, love fueled my life.
nilichoandika 