nilichoandika

Looking for excuses, finding them and missing out on life.

December 21st, 2020

I am in one of my moods, or as my sister says “in my feelings,” because I have been on the road non-stop for a week.

I love my sleep and can recharge for hours like a cat. So, this past week had me travel to Nairobi, then Kisumu and now I am back in Mbita because my best friend was getting married and I had the honor of witnessing her wedding as a bridesmaid. It was more of a firsts for me because it was the first time I had on: block heels (3.5 inches) for the whole day, had my eyebrows trimmed, and wore make up!

Days have gone by so fast, and I had been looking forward to being selected as a 2021 IREX Community Solutions Program Participant and for a program that’s very competitive, I felt ready this year, made it past the first round and got my regret letter after the second round of interviews. I was crushed. And what I learned about that moment, reading that email is that my mind completely played out various scenarios for me: I play a role in something I am passionate about and with a great team I get to see public primary schools improve their structures, I see it in the eyes of the children in rural communities when we are constructing classrooms how eager they are to step into new, permanent and well ventilated classes. So, not getting into the program this round, does not mean that I stop working.

On writing: I have been writing a new book and in my head it is complete and perfect, but on paper, let’s just say that I need to go stationery shopping and get everything going right. I have perfected giving excuses every time I want to write and this has resulted in downloading more DJ mixes, drinking more coffee and reading books🤦🏾‍♀️, help!

On reading: This year has been the best for I have bought more books and this has also seen me not read as many titles from Netgalley, and I hope to catch up on the reading soon. I have also read more titles from Pulitzer Prize winners in the fiction category.

I am currently reading Should You Leave by Peter. D. Kramer and he’s writing from the Psychotherapist point on view on advice, when it comes to the age-old question in a relationship, “should I stay or leave?” Coming from a Psychology background and training, reading this is like learning and rediscovering my love for therapy and what it means to help someone work through the dilemmas they have.

I have been making excuses on working out and writing and now I am reaping what I’d sowed and it’s started with a guilty conscience and every time I see the schedule I stuck on my wall, I cringe. Part of me is acting like it’s not bothered and the other one is losing it’s marbles, and the wisest of them is slowly coming to an understanding that I am focusing on the output but not the input and could try and see the growth or set tasks that could lead to the goals I want to achieve, now if only I knew how!

Have a great week, I’m still working until Wednesday when all schools are supposed to be closed here in Kenya.
Shadows

December 10th, 2020

Our people say that the past is best left alone.

They sit in silence when it visits or passes by; for they’ve long known how heavy it is to carry an unwanted visitor to bed after the evening meal.

Our people know the past so well they express it in songs, proverbs, tales…but never in the present.

So, when my heart was weary, I turned to them for help and like they know best, they made me sit outside of their space, watching silently until I had to scream…

Then they said, “The past is your shadow, everything you do or say passes by with time and when something comes back ask yourself who let that door open and why…our shadows do not stop us from walking in the sun, they do not stop us from walking in the moonlight, but ask yourself who leads? Is it the shadow or the one whom the light shines upon? This is why we sit in silence, why we sit still and let the past pass by or if it sits beside us…our eyes are forever on the present on knowing unlike it, we can stand up and leave…”
A Treat

December 9th, 2020

Once in a while, I happen to actively seek out a book that gets my heart racing because the romantic in me doesn’t mind swooning.

And dear Reader, I present:

If you’d like to know how crazy or kinky I love my stories, read it here and thank or admonish me after!
Can Women Really Have It All? and other questions in Get Over ‘I Got It’ by Elayne Fluker

December 6th, 2020

The first thing that stopped me in my tracks as I was reading this book was a simple statement: “Define what having it all means to you!” Suddenly, the thought of being happy, having peace of mind, being debt free, of good health and so many other things found their way into my list in an attempt to answer this question.

One thing is certain, the author, Elyane Fluker does not want women to suffer under the weight of being SuperWoman and is simply saying, ‘ask for support Sis! It won’t kill you.’

Too many ambitious women strive to accomplish all their goals alone, leading to dangerous levels of stress and anxiety. Learn how a strong support network and meaningful connections are crucial not only to your long-term success, but to your peace of mind.

The book explores various aspects of a woman’s life; finances, career, business, health, relationships, personal development, and one more which I absolutely loved “Impact.” It is this final aspect that in the very first half of the book she asks what impact are you hoping to make? What legacy are you aspiring to?

The book is well paced and each topic builds onto the other and what’s great about this book is that she writes from the view point that any woman reading this is already winning in life. Yes, she writes in such an optimistic tone that you cannot help but truly want to dig in and put in the work, get the support, be vulnerable, form networks that enhance your worth.

I loved reading about relationships and growth and my take-away from that section is knowing who an Anchor and who an Engine is in my life. Anchors just as they serve to keep ships still, these are the people who hold us down, keep us rooted and not all of them are bad, however their vision of us is limited to our experiences together. Engines keep us going, they see the future we ought to live and propel us forward- and it is crucial to identify who is an anchor and who is an engine.

Just like more personal development books, this book is intensive, exploring various aspects, of our lives of the stories we are told as women about work and independence. She asks a question that I am asking myself ever since I read it:

How are you showing up for yourself?

About the Author: Author and podcaster Elayne Fluker believes this mindset is partially responsible for the increase in suicide rates for girls and women and the reason so many women end up depressed, overwhelmed, isolated and unfulfilled. To combat this alarming trend, Fluker helps women learn how to build their own networks, make meaningful connections, and understand how even some of the most successful women in the world, like Oprah Winfrey and Spanx founder Sara Blakely, had tremendous support networks that helped them achieve their dreams.

Get the book: Pre-Order a copy from Amazon
Laana and The Prince: A Conversation

December 5th, 2020

“Well, my Father intends to travel to another kingdom, and has asked me to get my head in order and prepare for a trade visit to the kingdom at the far east, we are running low on provisions of salt, cassava and we need better spears for our warriors. He says that he knows the people despise us and would not trade with us, but he is hoping that their hate would not spill over to me and we can at least get salt and cassava. I leave in two days.”

“I wish you well on your journey Prince, may your meeting be a fruitful one.”

“Thank you Laana, and can I ask you something?”

“You are already asking Prince, what is it?”

“How is it that you haven’t asked whether I will succeed or not or wanted to know about the reason why they despise us? You just wished me well.”

“You will go, their hate will not stop you from asking for what your people need, so it serves no purpose dwelling on it.”

“I see. What do you do when the sun goes up and when she sleeps?”

“I wake up, thank the gods for life and good health and then go to the farm, and when the sun sleeps I sleep too. What do you do?”

“I wake up as well, the maidens draw my bath, I wash and join the family for breakfast. My father is keen on reminding me that now that I am of age, I would be much better eating from my wife’s pot and when he says such things I also remind him that if he could approve of the one I choose then all shall be well.”

“You argue when there is food before you and at dawn?”

“When you find the fowl grew horns you do not ask where it has been because whatever it fought in the night may still be chasing it.”
Presence

December 1st, 2020

I know one person who calls me “Dee.”

I also know what happens when in the spaces between our silence, he travels miles ahead of his pain to catch up with me and like always, I run when he gets too close.

He says we race, I take off when he passes the baton.

I don’t know anymore.

So we look to each other for answers to questions we’d never ask, that’s what I thought until now…

He asked, “Dee, why do we do this?”

And I, for the first time in my life, faced him and said “I am afraid of knowing.”

He smiled, shrugged his shoulder, took my cup from me, “another one?” I nodded and watched as he poured the hot water first, reached for the instant coffee, took a spoon and added some then added the sugar.

“Why do you always start with the water first?” I asked and he smiled. He went to open the window, took his cigarettes and handed me the cup and walked to the door. I moved towards the edge of the sofa, so I could see him seated right outside.

“Every time I pour the hot water, I don’t know, maybe it’s good knowing that I have options…I can add coffee, a tea bag, cocoa or milk, I don’t know…you know what you like and how you like it, so you start with coffee as though everything else can be an afterthought but never the coffee.”

I nod and I know he’s right.

“Are you writing?”

I start to nod, then shake my head “no” and the worlds I hide behind my eyes come undone, he keeps his eye on me, Stardust…he will always be stardust, the galaxy unknown yet marveled upon, the cocoa I yearn for and the words etched in my skin. He takes one long drag of his cigarette and I am treated to the dimple in his right cheek…then he throws the stub to the ground, steps on it and comes for me.

He takes my cup sips the coffee and says, “Marry me Dee, right here, right now, I promise it won’t be easy…but I won’t give up, Heaven knows your presence is my essence!”

And when he isn’t looking, when he is just holding me, I am saying “yes!” and also screaming “why now? Why now?”
My attempt to read Pulitzer Prize Fiction Winners

November 29th, 2020
I thought of doing a Pulitzer challenge because a part of me loves to try something, to prove to myself that I can.

This thought came to mind three years ago, but like everything else, it was overtaken by other important and utterly unimportant things like tweeting and posting photos on Instagram…well, I digress, so let’s get into it!

Pulitzer Books I’ve read:
- 2007: The Road by Cormac McCarthy
- 2002: Empire Falls by Richard Russo & semi-finalist: The Corrections by Jonathan Franzen
- 2001: The Amazing Adventures of Kavalier & Clay by Michael Chabon
- 1999: The Hours by Michael Cunningham
- 1992: A Thousand Acres by Jane Smiley
- 1988: Beloved by Toni Morrison
- 1983: The Color Purple by Alice Walker
- 1980: The Executioner’s Song by Norman Mailer (the first book I ever read off this list and still remains my absolute favorite!)
- 1961: To Kill a Mockingbird by Harper Lee
- 1953: The Old Man and the Sea by Ernest Hemingway (the shortest yet very symbolic of the all the Pulitzer titles)
Like every award, I’m fascinated by some things I found out like:

Colson Whitehead has won this title twice: this year (2020) for The NickelBoys and in 2017 for The UnderGround Railroad

There were no awards given in 1964 & 2012

I just bought two more titles that I hope to add to my “Read” list come December and they are:
- 2005: Gilead by Marilynne Robinson
- 1994: The Shipping News by Annie Proulx
I’ll probably rest easy having read Colson Whitehead’s books just because he won the award twice and Stardust says that he’s one of those writers who move you without having to move you, and I don’t know whether he’s a major fan or whether he is just pulling my leg because he’s refused to lend me his copy of The Underground Railroad.
Updates on life, 2020 goals and everything in between

November 28th, 2020
Life! Well, it’s been one rollercoaster and at some point, I felt so overwhelmed by what was happening that I took a break from writing and in that one week, I set aside everything including my NanoWrimo project.

The good news here is that yes, I aced this year’s NanoWrimo and managed to scribble 55,751words. Don’t ask me about what I wrote because it’s all messed up. I know because I checked and nearly lost my wits so I will let it simmer.

2020 goals: This was set to be my year, where I would workout consistently, eat healthy, write more, join a Writer’s network and invest in postgraduate education. I hadn’t written action plans for all these things, except for writing. And in true form I managed to write, edit and publish one book: Zuri: The Chronicler of Enzi. When it became clear that there would be prolonged restrictions in an attempt to curb the spread of covid-19, I found myself slacking on my goals and in the first week of this month as I was reading through my journal, I came across all the things I was excited to do and it hit me that I took in so much that was happening around me that I forgot to reinforce what’s within me.

So, like the rollercoaster we’ve been on, I installed the 30 day fitness app again🙄 and I have managed to set times for working out. I am on day 4 and already loving the “Rest Day.”🧡

On writing: I just have this awesome idea that sprung up on me as I was writing my NanoWrimo project and I live for visuals when I am writing, so here is what is motivating me to explore it.

On reading: This month’s been a thrill and I’ve read a couple of books that made it easier to get lost in the written world.
- The Deep End of the Ocean by Jacquelyn Mitchard
- Diamond Eye by Arthur Rosenfeld
I am currently reading:

I am learning to write goals, and then break them down to tasks that I can do every day or hour so that I am not overwhelmed by the desire to accomplish them. I call it my 30 day reset and it started with uninstalling the Facebook app from my phone plus messenger so I can focus more.

I have also set a writing schedule so I have ample time to revise my draft and write some more because I love having to write and publish a book over the Easter holidays, it kinda gives my readers and major fans here in Kenya (they’re 14 of them 💛😉) something to read over a 3day holiday break

On education: I am still keen on gaining skills and knowledge and I’ll put it out into the universe, may it bring me my desires and success in my quest to pursue policy writing and formulation in the field of Education here in Kenya. I feel like I’ve been on the ground toiling and working with rural communities to improve public primary schools and it’s a great achievement, however I can scale it up, I can see the need for social investment in children on the value of quality education, across the country and what better way to do this than ensuring the policies written and implemented by the state actually serve this need? I’m all about it and I’ll keep working on it, seeking programs, partnerships, scholarships to see it come to be.

It’s been a hectic month for me, and I am hoping for a better now, tomorrow and to be honest, it’s a working progress and I love that I am envisioning it and calling it into being.

2 quick questions: What are you reading this weekend? What are you setting your heart on right now?
Quest

November 17th, 2020

I look for myself in places that contain me,

but they can’t sustain me.

In cages so brittle that I wonder how it is I stay locked up.

I look for myself in your opinions, likes, comments, shares, follows

Really, it’s sad now that I think about it,

How easy it is to lose yourself in the world of another,

Yet extremely difficult to claw your way out and forge your own path.

I look for myself in lies, smiles, laughter…everything for the gram,

So, when I sat down with myself, I found it odd that whoever was before me was unknown, aloof and irritable.

I clawed my way out, trust me, I think I did,

And now, I’m on a quest that scares yet excites me,

I am looking not for myself, but my soul.

Photo by nappy on Pexels.com
The traveler

November 14th, 2020

In my travels I seek out people like me, those who have no one to fend for them and in their company I am home.

So, leaving my home in the middle of the night was no coincidence, I needed to get to the Mazuri kingdom, which was a two days journey, in time for the market auctions. Every year, the people of Mazuri welcomed traders from all the kingdoms to trade freely in their land and on this day you would get the best fabric, spices, dishes and women and children dancing and laughing in the arena.

I walked all night only stopping twice to drink from my water gourd and when the sun started gracing the sky I had already made it past our kingdom and into the next. The maidens were making their way to the river early in the morning, in some homes the smoke was just rising into the sky, a sign of the early morning meal being prepared, some were making their way to the farms, others in their kindness greeted me and some smiled. I greeted them in turn and smiled back.

Photo by Oleg Magni on Pexels.com

I loved traveling because outside of my kingdom, I was just a traveler. A stranger. A young beautiful woman making her way around their lands and they did not flinch or run away from me. I also learned not to intervene or lend a helping hand in a way that would draw such suspicion my way. People often needed help but only within their understanding of it, never more or beyond it and that was too much to bear and I learned the hard way.

Our King, having benefited greatly from my help when he was surely on his way to meeting his ancestors decided to banish me from the kingdom activities because I knew what ailed him and he did not want his secret revealed, so instead of telling his truth, he branded me a liar and made it unbearable for me to live among my people. There had been days when left to my own thoughts, I mocked the gods, cursed and insulted them for the life they granted me only to change my mind and thank them for not leaving me unprotected. The things I saw and summoned protected me from the evil anyone planned against me and how then could I mock the very gods who had given this to me?