My love is like a flame.
It knows your name,
Accepts your shame,
Keeps you safe from blame.
My love is like a flame,
It knows how to ignite,
Even when we don’t fight,
It gets you just right.
My love is like a flame,
Forget those lines up there and know that it knows how to keep the temperature right, a little bit of heat, a little bit of zing, a slow burn, or full on roast.
My love is like a flame, isn’t it odd that I am the one who gets consumed by it?
You are like a confession.
I should utter you to find the release I need, but like a secret,
You choose to remain hidden.
You, are like that thought in the middle of a storm,
the silent reminder that I can let all hell break loose and I won’t die.
I wear you like a badge of honor,
Gaze upon you like a thing of wonder,
Dream of everything up yonder.
You, Stardust, are like a confession,
It’s time I utter these words and set myself free.
You, my love, are like an Afro Beat…Irresistible.
So, I’ll take my time with you,
I’ll play you like a love song,
Drink you from a cauldron,
Soak you up with reckless abandon.
You, my love are an Afro Beat,
I wish you know just how much you sing to my soul.
You once asked me, “where do you go to when you hurt?”
I smiled, a reflex, so in tune with my soul that you almost wept.
Stardust, in these echoes of silence, I travel worlds unknown to me.
You once introduced me to your friend as a ‘Vintage Soul.”
Did you mean it?
I truly wish you did for what do you say when you have no words left.
What do you shed when you have no more tears…or do you will yourself to shed many more, until your ducts are dry and withered…Stardust,
I choose to bleed on paper.
I wrote you a letter, did I ever tell you? No.
I did, I truly did and now, I find myself taking a step back, and another, and another…finding my way to the one place where I was wounded, because until I face that pain, I’ll be residing in Castles with you, smiling while resenting every bit of you.
And you…Stardust a child of the earth, you deserve better, and so do I.
You are my puzzle. Sometimes, I orbit around you until I’ve had a view of you from every angle and then I leave.
You take these exits like you do your medicine, not so well.
“How come you’ve never asked me for anything?” you ask.
“What do you mean?”
“You know…like say ask me to buy you a book, treat you to dinner or buy you something like I don’t know…the things chicks ask for.”
“Are we in a relationship?” I ask. You shrug your shoulders, look outside…it’s drizzling now, my neighbor’s cat is busy calling out for her man…sometimes she makes me wake up in the night thinking someone dumped a baby right outside my window. You follow her movements with your eyes.
Cats are your kryptonite.
Women are like newspaper leaves; each page a new story.
You smile and gently rub my feet. I know where you go to when I put you on the spot.
What astounds me is how easy it is for you to run to what wounds you, memories of a time when the one you looked up to, up and left. Remember the time I yelled at you, “I am not your Mother! I am here, I haven’t left and you are doing everything to make me leave!”
It was the only time you ever asked me “please leave…” and I was too stubborn to leave, so you left and never came back until the next morning.
You found a memory of her at the bottom of a bottle, in the warmth of another woman…and simply declared “you are too close, we’ll only be friends, I can’t let you any closer.”
Do you remember this day?
Do you remember those words?
I can taste them on my tongue. Sometimes when I close my eyes, I see your wounds and gently apply some salve to them…and you always lie there, serene, with a smile on your lips…your hand gently wrapped in mine, and in my dreams you are bliss. In my dreams we orbit each other, you are my sun, I am your sun.
In my dream every word is said through our eyes…every emotion felt through touch and when I dare to open my eyes, they are nothing but exits and orbits.
You look at me and smile, then let out another easy laugh, “I love how you go into your world when I am ready to answer your questions. Marry me, the next time you come to me, come not as a friend, or worse off a listening ear, but come as Mine.”
“Fourteen days, seven hours, three minutes and twenty one seconds…” you say when I answer your call.
“Hello,” is what I whisper, afraid that my words could reveal the scars in my heart, or worse off the agony of my soul.
“I miss you,” you say.
Have you ever wondered why the moon never plays the role of the sun? She stays hidden until it’s time for her to reign in the night. Like a side chick.
And like that, I come to mind when it needs me, a therapy session…checking in with your Counselor for nuggets of wisdom, emotional cleansing.
Oh, Stardust…what happened to the spaces within our silence where we used to dwell, two strangers, in-love falling in and out of love with every moment they spend together?
So, I take another deep breath and you laugh…an easy laugh, Love.
“I know you won’t admit it. For how long will we do this? Do you know what I wish? I wish that I could truly change and be the one you need, but these beautiful women won’t stop appealing to me, and it may sound off, but Heaven knows I’ve tried and the thought of seeing you look at me like I went and usurped the Devil is something I cannot bear…I’m a mess,Love. I miss you and it’s been too long since I saw you, I saw the cup you use to drink coffee whenever you visit me and…”
“And what?” I ask.
“Love, I don’t know anything anymore…did you see that Wamlambez meme I sent you on Whatsapp? It’s funny right, like the monkey is also on board…jamming to that tune…Kenyans are the best I tell you, this country has the craziest people on earth.”
“You are digressing.”
“Love…I miss you…and all it took today was just seeing a cup to acknowledge this, a cup! Can you imagine that? And it’s nothing like the fancy mugs you have but just seeing it gave me feelings…I hate this, and I don’t know…why is it that you never say a word while I say all these stupid things? I feel sometimes like you are dangling the carrot before me, watching me prod along…I’m in too deep, Love, in too deep.”
Once in a while, you experience moments that call you out or bring such clarity in your life that you cannot help but sit back, reflect and change your path.
I came across Miss T. N. King’s book, “I Lost Me When I Found You” on Netgalley last week- and I wanted to read it, because for a while there have been blurred lines in my understanding and experience on love, with love and for love.
About the book: Have you ever lost yourself? In a candid and inspiring call to action, Miss T.N. King invites every woman who has felt depleted, hopeless, or “not enough” to reconnect and uncover her true, divine self—known as her Inner Goddess.Throughout this book, King exposes the “idols” we create in our minds and the lifestyles we use to distract ourselves—which leave us feeling lost and empty. She breaks down exactly how this happens and how we can transform our pain, fear, and setbacks into power, faith, and success.
King shares details of her personal journey, as well as the stories of several courageous women, and provides practical, proven tools to truly elevate us and our quality of life. Miss T.N. King shines the spotlight on relationships, career, money, body image, social media, the “superwoman” complex, women bashing on other women—and even “situationships”!
I loved the format of this book, first are the stories shared by other women “I lost myself when…” and you can actually relate to their situations. Then come the insights drawn from the Bible, the author’s experiences and famous people’s experiences and finally a call to action and those keys for reflection are amazing. This book would be great if it came with a journal. Some of the things that stood out for me were:
A common mistake I notice us women make is that we stop loving ourselves when we start loving a man.
In order to get something you’ve never had; you have to do something you’ve never done.
What happens when you settle for a situationship? You end up becoming the “New Side Chick”- a woman who has decided to stay by a man’s side after he had expressed his lack of relationship intentions with her through his words and actions.
And finally my favorite:
Be attracted to the way a man treats you, before you are attracted to anything else about him.
If you’d like to read the book for more insights, you can visit Miss King’s website http://www.misstnking.com/ and pre-order a copy of the book on Amazon currently priced at $9.99
I’m glad that my 30 day new challenge for August has been sparked by reading this book and I made a list of things I love about myself and then another of things I wish I could change about myself and why-and looking at the two is my next step of action.
Can’t wait to see what this new challenge brings me.
I have been writing this post in my head for the past eight days. Procrastination is the fuel that I can never shake off, just like my love for pencils and erasers, I know how to put something on hold until I cannot anymore.
This is evident in my writing and publishing journey and for a long time the pressure to just get up and do it, haunted me, until I woke up one day and shoved it down my throat with a slice of chocolate cake at Java.
August is here and I love the sun! I am loving the heat more than I thought I would 🙂
On reading: I have been reading some awesome titles and sharing my views on them on Netgalley, Goodreads and Amazon. On working with people and building relationships, I got to read People First by Mike Nutley. On always staying on top of your game, taking a step back, re-evaluating your goals and pressing on, I got to read Tired of being Tired by Juliet Jones.
I’m currently enjoying Scout by Sanjiv Lingard about this 17 year old girl, Scout, who has the ability of tracking. It started with her being able to find any misplaced item, to her Mother-when she would up and leave, and now the police want her to help them find a missing child.
On writing: My most recent posts have been inspired by love and I am glad that happened, however, I am looking forward to improving my focus on writing a full length novel by September whilst talking to a Publisher here in Kenya, to work on some terms of engagement that would lead to publishing the manuscript.
On travel: I was looking forward to traveling this first week of August but had to cancel my plans due to a pending meeting at work. However, I’m not bummed by it because this meeting means a lot more to me, for it will chart the course for the next projects I’d like to work towards.
I did however get on a matatu to Kisumu so fast when I heard that my nephew was around looking forward to spending his holiday in the city. We always have a good time together and I hadn’t seen him in a month!
On love: I wish I had the right words to explain this and more so, to name the precise moment that I had an epiphany on love. The truth is, the greatest thing I’ve learned this year is that love comes from within and the most difficult journey is loving yourself first and always. If you achieve this, then for some reason, the world is drawn to this light that stems from you and that’s where it gets tricky…and I really wish someone would explain to me why it is that when you meet someone, suddenly everyone wants you too?
So, this August I am challenging myself and I came across this Ted Talk at the right time because I’d love to try something new every day for the next 30 days!
How’s your August thus far?
Have a wonderful new month!
You are in one of your moods this evening. So, I steer away from them by filling my cup with coffee and taking in gulps of it, while staring at my phone.
“Have you read this book?” you ask.
I turn and in your hand lies a copy of Fifty Shades of Grey, and on your face…a smile…an easy smile.
“Yes, I have.”
“What did you make of it?”
“Does it matter?” I ask.
“If it didn’t, I would not have asked…so what did you think?”
“About what?”
“The book! Where’s your mind today? You’ve been stuffing your stomach with coffee ever since you got here, and you haven’t said a word to me- so now I ask you about a simple book and you are still going round in circles, what’s up with you?”
“Well…good evening to you too. Something’s bothering you and until you tell me, I think you’ll stay angry at me for nothing.”
“I am not angry.”
“Frustrated…”
“No, I am not frustrated.”
“Restless…”
“I am not restless!”
“Worried, anxious, perturbed, scared, weary, afraid…I could go on.”
“Look, I am sorry, it’s just been a long day. Mark, you know him…my friend, the one we met last week, at that party…well, he’s getting married. He asked me to be one of his groomsmen.”
“Oh, I see…and you’re anxious because you now remain the unmarried guy in your close circle of friends, right?”
“Love is cruel, sometimes…you know, I wonder, what would we be if we never had to feel this much for other people. How is it that someone can so easily break what you entrust with them and go on eating, drinking ten cups of coffee and still manage to make you bleed your heart out..? What manner of sorcery is this?”
“Easy.”
“Uh?”
“The book. I found it easy.”
“What does that mean?” you ask.
“I guess I learned that reading something is not an endorsement of it…just like you reading that book does not mean you endorse everything about it.”
I have a love,
His smile warms my heart,
His embrace quickens my heart, everything else is still.
I have a love,
He said he’d call,
It’s sixty days, thirteen hours and twelve minutes since then…
I have a love,
Wish he had a care in the world, not much, just enough to keep his word.
I have a love,
He hurts.
nilichoandika 