I once heard the moon say that only the sun knew her secrets,
Get your face mask on.
I’ll slip a bottle of hand sanitizer in my purse,
Meet me outside, under the mango tree,
Carry your bluetooth speaker,
Let’s listen to my playlist.
I’ll set a table for two.
Stardust, I’m asking, would you like to have coffee with me?
We end where we ought to have started,
You and I,
We start where we ought to have stopped,
You and I,
And when the world feels just right, we stir up trouble,
“Who were you chatting up at midnight?”
“What do you mean chatting up? I was asleep…”
“I was on WhatsApp and you were online…”
“Yes, just because I am connected to the internet, it does not mean that I am actively engaging with people on my phone.”
“Yeah, that’s what you all say…”
I hang up and sip my coffee,
Listen to a song or two, hold my breath, feel the beating of my heart.
You call and call until I give my phone a much needed break ‘airplane mode,’
You and I,
Oh, how is it that an action amplifies one person into a multitude,
You and I…like on such a night,
I feel like we are written in the stars, but we strive to prove the universe different,
Yet here we are…written in the stars.
Your love is like receiving flowers in the evening,
A solace after a rough day at work,
Fresh scents that remind me of the things I cannot control,
It’s living, believing, in the evening.
Your love is like the sight of flowers in the evening,
I am not a fan of red roses,
Like passion and lust they’re cliche,
They’re like empty promises, appealing, way too enticing but never actualized.
No, your love is like an assortment of flowers,
Wild, spicy, pretty, bland, bright, dull, ever present…
It’s living, believing and it comes in the evening.
Your love is like quiet smell of the evening,
A reminder that everything is fleeting,
And everything can be deceiving.
Your love is the evening,
It envelops me into submission when I am exhausted,
It takes when I am still,
It gives when I am famished,
As silent as the night, as loud as the fears that come alive,
Your love is not like, never has been like, rather it is the evening.
So, Stardust, are those flowers you sent in the evening, just for me?
You come to me in waves,
I know not to flee for when I do, your scent assails me wherever I go.
You come to me on your terms and sometimes,
Just sometimes…I wish I could wake you up.
I wish you cared a little more,
I wish you would have told me this before,
So, I would not try to cage you…to grasp you in my hand, in the comfort of my palms pressing closer, drawing the life out of you.
They told you a man had to stand his ground,
They told you not to let me have my way with you,
So, you chose them over a quiet dinner with me,
You chose them because it felt safe not to be mocked by them.
So, I brought down the walls of the cage I had set up for you…
I took one step back, then two, then three and when you were not looking, I ran.
I did not catch my breath,
17 missed calls…12 texts, 8 missed video calls,
I ran because it was safer to be miles away from you than to stay and let you treat me as your status dictated.
Now, here we are…you are a shadow of yourself and I have no regrets.
You want to speak of everything now, you want to pour it out but at the gate of your heart lies this barrier, the one that still calls me the villain, and I see it in your eyes
Hold me while you wait, hold onto me while you wait,
Maybe…just maybe, you’ll one day find the courage to live on your own terms,
Now, here we are, you are a shadow of yourself and I have no regrets.
I had one task, to store everything I could in one place.
I had one task, to take my sorrow, joy, chaos and peace,
To merge all the expectations and disappointments just for one chance…
The chance that time could preserve them, people could come across them,
The generations after me could learn from them.
I had one task, to store everything I could in one place,
So I placed them all in you, and for every ray I gave you,
You gave me a spot of darkness.
You drew the curtain until I had to take a bow.
I had one task, to take my sorrow, joy, chaos and peace,
So, I reached out for the one thing I thought I could control: words.
I lined them up, one after the other until they formed a steady stream that drained into a sea of memories.
I had one task to create magic and oh, how I struggled, nights without sleep, nights where other’s echoes of how I was to assemble these words haunted me…until one day I decided to let them be…and that was when it took a life of its own.
I had one task and my Love, I found you a haven, a place where only you could reside in, and it’s in between the lines.
I went to the market,
Not that kind of market…the one where everyone is happy and looks good enough to be carried home.
So, I looked at this shelf and saw you,
The jaw of a god, a mortal sculpted into immortality,
Skin glowing like the dark night sky, embers of those who came before you,
So, I stood and took you in.
You could be my rock,
I could wander in the maze that’s your eyes…cocoa rich, vanilla true…
So, I stood and took you in,
You could be the one.
You know…the one among many who could take my heart, break it, and walk all over it.
You saw me looking,
Long after everyone else had left,
So, you stopped taking in their praise, their likes, their comments…you stopped and for that second, you knew you could take me.
See…I let you.
I was standing waiting for you to take me.
And so you did…you truly did,
Your voice, deep, still…calm on the surface, unsettled beneath it.
You took me long after I had decided that you would take me.
So, Son of Man,
Do not shout praises of your prowess to the world,
Do not scamper for likes, retweets, comments and be sliding in the DMs knowing you’re good.
Just like I gave myself to you, I can slip away.
Oh, and wouldn’t that be a treat if only you could take me.
Whole as you may be, you serve me with slices of you,
Sweet one moment, uncertain the next.
Kind and attentive, withdrawn the next.
A bit like a slice of bread, buttered only on one side.
The sun will shine Child.
you who thought you ruled the world,
See how she goes on, un-bothered by your woes.
She thrives, brighter than yesterday,
Oh Child, don’t you see it…you who came into this space after her,
Smile, laugh, love and for each breath give thanks…
She shines on everyone, doesn’t she?
Well, how is then that you thought you could keep her to yourself?
Find me in the silence, he says.
Find me in the place where the noise from the world comes to a hush, or a whisper, where it feels like the only truth you’d find is the one that is.
“What if I don’t want to find you?” I ask and he smiles.
“I knew you would ask that, you question everything Dee, and it is great if only you would stop to listen to answers you receive. Find me Dee.”
I shake my head and continue writing the dialogue I was working on. It’s the next book I hope to publish and everything about the lead character evades me. He knows I’m in my world and so he walks away.
I know how many steps he takes to the door before he stops because I count when he’s not listening. How odd it is that he asks of me what he knows I would not provide.
Apples.
I suddenly want to eat three apples- something red and crunchy and healthy…and what’s in my house is an endless supply of tea bags, sugar, water and two oranges.
He calls me, “Dee…” and I look up at him and he says “stay safe!” I nod and smile and tell him “you too.” What hurts is knowing he will drown himself in another bottle of whisky thinking he can have and destroy what he has at will.
He says my love is like thunder, so loud it cannot be ignored.
Sometimes when I am not looking, he would make notes, scribble thoughts that came to him about me,
So, when I call, he knows that there is something…he does not need to ask,
“Do you know what bothers me about you Dee…it’s just that you are too good and too slippery for anyone. You run before anyone can think of catching you, like the wind, no, like the unknown…when will you hold still for love?”
“Did you read the book I sent you?” I ask.
He laughs. He knows me and yet I refuse to accept this truth.
“What are friends for?”
“So, what do you think?” I ask in between sips of my third cup of coffee. It’s too hot inside this house but I’d rather sweat and pace up and down than let the mosquitoes in.
“Love…it’s like giving someone white flowers when you know you want to present them with a rose, a single red rose and the truth between those two gestures is in the actions that prompted you to present them with flowers in the first place.”
“An apology…”
“No, when you know you cannot catch the wind and you’ve tried all your life, what comes next is more painful than an apology Dee…it’s surrender.”
nilichoandika 