Lately, it feels like I’m Atlas.
I carry and I’m weary under the weight of the world.
So, I look for solace in the confines unknown,
untapped by none but my mind.
I go after solace,
Like I’m in a race.
Today, right now…with you, I want to rest.
Tag: prose
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I look for you in the places you used to inhabit.
It is easier to close my eyes and remember you,
I’ll admit that I am a coward.
Yet, isn’t it so comforting to play safe, to be in control,
To know that you cannot to make me cry?
I look for you in the memories I have of you,
Like silver and gold, I seek to blend you,
Yet when the light strikes what I know of you…it disappears into the void of the past.
Like silver and gold, I seek to mend you,
Yet when the light strikes what I thought of you…it unravels how much I missed trying to mold you into my idea of perfection.
Like silver and gold, I seek to mend my ways,
I wonder how far gone you are to turn back and see me standing right beside you.
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I wait.
It may not seem like it, the silence,
the instagram and facebook posts,
the tweets and retweets.
The hours I stare at your number on my contact list.
I am waiting.
I don’t know if ever there was pride attached to a girl waiting on a boy to make a move.
I don’t know who said it wrong for a girl to wait,
But a part of me sits, silent, restless, waiting…
Waiting for a sign, just a sign…a sign…
Oh, how I sigh…
I wait.
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Our people say that the past is best left alone.
They sit in silence when it visits or passes by; for they’ve long known how heavy it is to carry an unwanted visitor to bed after the evening meal.
Our people know the past so well they express it in songs, proverbs, tales…but never in the present.
So, when my heart was weary, I turned to them for help and like they know best, they made me sit outside of their space, watching silently until I had to scream…
Then they said, “The past is your shadow, everything you do or say passes by with time and when something comes back ask yourself who let that door open and why…our shadows do not stop us from walking in the sun, they do not stop us from walking in the moonlight, but ask yourself who leads? Is it the shadow or the one whom the light shines upon? This is why we sit in silence, why we sit still and let the past pass by or if it sits beside us…our eyes are forever on the present on knowing unlike it, we can stand up and leave…”
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I know one person who calls me “Dee.”
I also know what happens when in the spaces between our silence, he travels miles ahead of his pain to catch up with me and like always, I run when he gets too close.
He says we race, I take off when he passes the baton.
I don’t know anymore.
So we look to each other for answers to questions we’d never ask, that’s what I thought until now…
He asked, “Dee, why do we do this?”
And I, for the first time in my life, faced him and said “I am afraid of knowing.”
He smiled, shrugged his shoulder, took my cup from me, “another one?” I nodded and watched as he poured the hot water first, reached for the instant coffee, took a spoon and added some then added the sugar.
“Why do you always start with the water first?” I asked and he smiled. He went to open the window, took his cigarettes and handed me the cup and walked to the door. I moved towards the edge of the sofa, so I could see him seated right outside.
“Every time I pour the hot water, I don’t know, maybe it’s good knowing that I have options…I can add coffee, a tea bag, cocoa or milk, I don’t know…you know what you like and how you like it, so you start with coffee as though everything else can be an afterthought but never the coffee.”
I nod and I know he’s right.
“Are you writing?”
I start to nod, then shake my head “no” and the worlds I hide behind my eyes come undone, he keeps his eye on me, Stardust…he will always be stardust, the galaxy unknown yet marveled upon, the cocoa I yearn for and the words etched in my skin. He takes one long drag of his cigarette and I am treated to the dimple in his right cheek…then he throws the stub to the ground, steps on it and comes for me.
He takes my cup sips the coffee and says, “Marry me Dee, right here, right now, I promise it won’t be easy…but I won’t give up, Heaven knows your presence is my essence!”
And when he isn’t looking, when he is just holding me, I am saying “yes!” and also screaming “why now? Why now?”
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I look for myself in places that contain me,
but they can’t sustain me.
In cages so brittle that I wonder how it is I stay locked up.
I look for myself in your opinions, likes, comments, shares, follows
Really, it’s sad now that I think about it,
How easy it is to lose yourself in the world of another,
Yet extremely difficult to claw your way out and forge your own path.
I look for myself in lies, smiles, laughter…everything for the gram,
So, when I sat down with myself, I found it odd that whoever was before me was unknown, aloof and irritable.
I clawed my way out, trust me, I think I did,
And now, I’m on a quest that scares yet excites me,
I am looking not for myself, but my soul.
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In my travels I seek out people like me, those who have no one to fend for them and in their company I am home.
So, leaving my home in the middle of the night was no coincidence, I needed to get to the Mazuri kingdom, which was a two days journey, in time for the market auctions. Every year, the people of Mazuri welcomed traders from all the kingdoms to trade freely in their land and on this day you would get the best fabric, spices, dishes and women and children dancing and laughing in the arena.
I walked all night only stopping twice to drink from my water gourd and when the sun started gracing the sky I had already made it past our kingdom and into the next. The maidens were making their way to the river early in the morning, in some homes the smoke was just rising into the sky, a sign of the early morning meal being prepared, some were making their way to the farms, others in their kindness greeted me and some smiled. I greeted them in turn and smiled back.
Photo by Oleg Magni on Pexels.com I loved traveling because outside of my kingdom, I was just a traveler. A stranger. A young beautiful woman making her way around their lands and they did not flinch or run away from me. I also learned not to intervene or lend a helping hand in a way that would draw such suspicion my way. People often needed help but only within their understanding of it, never more or beyond it and that was too much to bear and I learned the hard way.
Our King, having benefited greatly from my help when he was surely on his way to meeting his ancestors decided to banish me from the kingdom activities because I knew what ailed him and he did not want his secret revealed, so instead of telling his truth, he branded me a liar and made it unbearable for me to live among my people. There had been days when left to my own thoughts, I mocked the gods, cursed and insulted them for the life they granted me only to change my mind and thank them for not leaving me unprotected. The things I saw and summoned protected me from the evil anyone planned against me and how then could I mock the very gods who had given this to me?
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You remind of something,
What?
I don’t know, maybe I’m out of my mind, maybe it’s the alcohol, who knows but I promised I’d never do this.
I kept my word for two months and then I saw the picture you posted on Facebook.
You were smiling, you always smile, even when you’re hurting or uncertain, it was like being reminded of something I’d buried.
A Pexels.com picture So, maybe I’m rambling, or just messing things up but I’m not that drunk, not yet…and it is true, you remind me of something wild, free and delicate.
It’s in the way you love; heart, body, mind and soul.
You remind of me something I’ve never held in my hands, but know what it’d feel like in my fingertips.
Wild, free and delicate is what you are, and it hurts knowing just how beautiful you resemble a Dandelion.
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You are hot and spicy,
Juicy and saucy,
Tangy and tingly, yes you are.
So I got my coconut cream, blended you in it and got my perfect curry!
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We think we are the sun and the moon,
Stardust, we are anything but that.
The sun shines in her time, gives way for the moon and in turn the two have never failed the galaxy.
One too hot, the other too bright
One we branded yellow, the other white, yet they give each other time to reign, the moon goes to sleep when the sun rises, sometimes she lingers in the background…slowly drifting away.
Stardust, we think we are the sun and the moon, but it feels like I have been waiting for my time to shine longer than you have.
Why is it that my soul clings to you even when you are miles away?
Why is it that you seek me when I am out of reach? Is this love? Is this companionship or is this madness?
I don’t know anymore Stardust, what I do know is that I won’t stop waiting.
nilichoandika 